Lost Journals

To cheer Kyla, Marc rented Mystery Science Theater 3000-Pod People. He giggled manically through the whole terrible experience annoying Kyla to no end; however, she was unable to leave the room. Marc’s presence was calming and reassuring while the suicidal, sadistic amusement park of Kyla’s mind spun her in circles, turned her stomach, and blurred her view.

Kyla’s mind was her most loathed enemy. Negative thoughts spun a sticky web; each time Kyla tried to find her way back to the ‘real world,’ the web tightened making escape impossible. Often, a self-destructive act was the only way to break the web: razor down the shin, reckless driving on winding mountain roads, new tattoo.

Most days Marc was incredibly considerate, able to walk the treacherous path of Kyla’s frailties bearing flowers. Tonight, however, he ignored her needs completely. Sitting by his side, all she wanted was some sort of reassurance. Yet, he was unable or unwilling to see her need. Kyla hated that she needed him. Some days she wished she could cut off all contact and learn to deal with the world on her own again. She couldn’t remember what she’d done before he’d fallen into her life. Yet, he was one of the few people she’d ever let into her life. She knew if she kicked him out of her life she’d never let anyone else in. Yet, she had to consider why she’d granted him entry. Kyla rarely allowed her mind to stray to these thoughts; however, with the mindless dribble now spinning in her DVD player her mind had to go somewhere for refuge.

Why had she let him in? She looked at him. The answer was as obvious as the Human Rights Campaign logo emblazen on his t-shirt. He’s gay. Marc was no threat to her sexually. She’d never let any man know her both sexually and emotionally. There have been many sexual escapes in the past but she kicked men out of her bed before they were able to ask questions. That’s what scared her about Josiah. She could see herself opening her life and her bed to him. Josiah was a beautiful, sensual man. However, she wondered if he could handle the incredible complexities of her life.