Flight

Bought my plane ticket to Iowa! I will be in the land of corn from December 18th through January 5th.

I'm getting new teeth and the ticket was only $250.

Day Timer

I went to the Paper Clip today and bought a Day Timer/Planner thingy. I feel like such an adult. But, I have to agree with Reggy on this one. I need a day timer. Especially with shooting two films next semester.

You wouldn't believe what a task it is to pick these things out. I have to buy one I'll use: big enought for me to write in yet light enough to fit in my briefcase, fashionable, functional. There's so many options.

My tummy has finally settled down. I've been able to eat regularly today. No coffee or tomatoes, but I'm used to that restriction.

Tomorrow is World AIDS Day. I'm meeting some friends in the union to make ribbons and prepare the info table. I also need to brush up on some of my facts for my featured speaker gig tomorrow. I know that I know it... but I want to be prepared.

Got all the web work done today. Pathfinder Online goes live on Monday. I'll add the link that day.

Scott from Crested Butte has called three times today. I hope he gets the point soon. But, I should have learned that CB boys aren't very bright. They don't pick up on subtle hints. Saying, "I'm unavailable," doesn't seem to be obvious enough for them. That damned red hair keeps getting me in trouble.

Wahoo! Going for sushi tonight.

Dear Chicago

Jeff called tonight to have me proofread a piece. I'll willingly proof it for him just to hear his voice and rub it in that it is snowing here.

I miss that kid. It is hard to imagine my college career without him.

The snow is so beautiful. Normally we'd be outside watching it fall, drift, and dance to earth.

Damn, I need to go to bed.

Tummy Troubles

I hate my stomach! I have an appointment on Friday to get another f&^king tube stuck down my throat. This ought to be fun when I warn el doctor about my gag reflex, he promptly ignores me, and I puke all over him. This will be fun!

Same diagnosis as ever: take these pills every morning before you eat, don't take Pepto even though it is the only thing that works, avoid stress (like hell), don't drink, no tomatoes, no dairy, you need to sleep but any sleep aide I could give you will upset your stomach.

Why didn't I got to medical school? I'd be really good at this.

But on a lighter note, I have been sleeping. I've only had to take one sleeping pill in the last two weeks. The best pill for any sleep disorder - contentment.

As the day rolls on ...

Looked at Luke, Sean, and Corwin's films today. My only concern is pacing. Each one of them seems to drag in many points; however, I think Edit still drags in points. Otherwise, I'm pleased with the product.

I know that I should stay at home a work on my finals but I really want to go out tonight. Should I be a responsible adult and get my work done? Or should I allow myself to enjoy time with my friends? I'll probably hang out at home long enough to put on my pajamas and not want to go out. Furthermore, I'm supposed to have sushi with the twins tomorrow.

The new Dean Koontz came out today. WAHOO! I hope it is better than Velocity. I was not impressed by that book at all. But Forever Odd is a sequel to Odd Thomas and I really liked the characters in Odd Thomas. I can't wait but I have to finish Predator by Patricia Cornwell first. I'm also trying to decide which books I want to read over break.

I need to stay home tonight to prepare for Thursday's activities. World AIDS Day. I'm helping do a display in the college union and I'm the featured speaker at Theology Thursday at Palisades. I need to prepare my remarks and how I'm going to present. I wonder how many people will be there. Knowing my luck, it will be packed. It's not that I'm afraid of public speaking but when it is a topic close to my heart I can get emotional. Enough people have seen me cry this past week.

Talked to Kim today about the production of Catharsis in Crested Butte on the 8th. She's reading the script today. I'm not exactly sure what to expect of all this. I think it will be a talk back session where I can get feedback from audience members. The writing is slightly personal so I hope the questions aren't too pointed.

Alright, time to get to work.

Hey Jeff!

Remember that part in Density of Souls, when Jeff thinks Stephen has ripped his stomach open? I think Boo has done the same to me. My stomach has never been worse. All I can do is drink Boost and pray I keep it down.

On the brighter side, I may have a ride to Durango this weekend.

Writing

Three years ago in Writing for Stage and Screen, I wrote this character named Marc. He was the cheerleader for the main character who was a version of myself. Six months later I met Jeff - my Marc.

I've written about a jazz musician and met him three weeks later.

A month ago, I wrote a character by the name of Drew. A dashing young lawyer that sweeps Aislin off her feet by taking her dancing. This week I met my Drew in Reggy. He spent an hour discussing the dance clubs he's going to take me to in Durango.

I asked Nate if he'd ever experienced this sort of phenomenon. He said that writing is a form of prayer and meditation; thus, it is no surprise that these things come true.

I think I need to finish writing Antiphon with a spectacular romantic ending.

Crystalized

You need to write more lists. Your life is chaos. You wander around the grocery store, returning to the same aisle four times. You need a dayplanner or PDA. You're addicted to your computer. Your books should be organized by genre and author. Why do you need so many pairs of shoes? You should layout your outfits for the upcoming week. You don't wake up at the same time everyday?

I'm falling for you, but don't push too hard.

DUI

The best DUI arrest. This has to be a joke!

http://www.bestwebatlanta.com/humor/humor_dui_stop_of_champion_dancer.shtml

Wahoo

Reggy will be here tomorrow night!

spreading the love

I got to spread the Donnie Darko love this week. I lent out my copy to three different people and they all came back for the director's cut. Which I won't lend out until you fully understand the theatrical release. The director's cut over-explains.

Swilling Forget

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn't much matter 'cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That'ok, that's ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

What I wouldn't give for a drink.

Oh Vladimir

I've had a new friend remind me of how beautiful the opening paragraph to Lolita is.

If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I want to construct one paragraph this brilliant. Just one! But then again, "you can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style."

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap , at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta."

Dear God!

This insomnia has to go. I have to be up in five hours. I can't even take a sleeping pill now it is too late.

I'm going to pull my hair out if this does not stop. I've tried everything. I've read, I had a hot bath, I've listened to The Cure's Wish album twice. Nothing is working these past few nights.

Maybe I'm supposed to be writing about something, but I feel so brain dead I don't know if I can write.

Bottled Hope

Paul: Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

Beautiful Girls

Night dreaming

Sitting here, listening to Ryan Adams' Shadowlands and dreaming of my date with Reggy. I don't normally get this excited about meeting anyone.

But look at Tyler loving his dad! Who wouldn't be excited meeting him?

He's trying to cancel his plans for Thanksgiving to come down here. Otherwise I won't see him until Sunday night. I can't wait.

Help

Can someone please tell me what's wrong with me?

Insomnia is in hyper-drive, my stomach just won't quit, my dyslexia is the worst it has been since I came to school, my hands shake like I'm on steroids.

Is this what it feels like to be nervous? Maybe Reggy?

Was it my birthday? I'm happy for the first time in years. It can't be guilt.

Insomnia

This is the worst my insomnia has been in years. I don't understand. Things are going so well. I just want to sleep.

It is clean sheet day! I live for clean sheet day.

I guess it is the old fall back - Tylenol PM and spinning a Cure album. Damn it! I haven't had to take a sleeping pill for three months.

Nine Years

Brian Wood, "MON DERNIER JOUR AVEC TOI"

Juan- I had to lift this image from you. It was too fitting for today.

28

Sitting here icing my knee. I was a stuborn idiot that had to wear heels last night.

I went to see the rest of Polaroid Stories last night. I really enjoyed the show. It is the kind of show that colleges need to be doing. Monty blew me away! The scene where he's eatting an orange was awesome.

Had a great conversation with Nick last night. Talking about depression and psychotropic drugs. He's just as opposed as I am.

Tonight I'm going to Montrose to see Harry Potter. I'm excited to see it, but not as excited as Jeff.

Three more days until Aeon Flux is released on DVD. I'm looking forward to that! I hope Brad got it for me.

I'm realizing more and more how much I adore the Foo Twins. I had many moments with both Kara and Cally.

Birthday Eve

Went out for dinner with Jeff K. last night. I was actually good. He didn't really bitch too much about Polaroid Stories and admitted that he started seeing someone in Denver. I am happy for him. Maybe this new girl will bring him some happiness. He ordered us a bottle of champaigne for my birthday and completeing my Capstone but I really wasn't in the mood to drink.

Tonight is the big night! Go to Polaroid Stories and then to my birthday party. I will not drink too much, I will not drink too much, I will not drink too much. My mouth has a habit of getting away from me when I've been drinking especially on my birthday. I will not allow this to happen tonight.

I have lunch with the boss today. It should be fun.

Good morning sweet world. I look forward to seeing what you have to offer me today. Love, Mags

I ROCK!

Finished my Capstone today.

The presentation went well. Zelda stayed awake the whole time, I must have been compelling.

Mark pulled me aside afterwards and told me I'd done a good job.

I was worried about the questions the readers would ask; however, they stuck the creative writing side of things. Authors that have influenced me, my writing process, how I can write about such personal things, what it is like working with Justin.

I'd be curious to talk to Paul Edwards about his reaction.

Wow, my senior year is about done.

The Countdown

Three hours until my Capstone.

Updates

Amber emailed me last night. I was super stoked about that. I haven't heard from her since graduation.

Shit, I just remembered that I was going to take storyboard pics today and I forgot to get the camera from Sean.

I really just want to crawl into bed and read Walking Dead but I left it in Jeff's car.

What a day!

I finished working on my Capstone Power Point presentation. Bill Gates, we need to talk. Writers do not need to be subjected to using this evil program. It is for weak ass business people who can't put together a presentation without a map and a flashlight.

Bought a bottle of Riesling for after my Capstone. I can't wait. Plus I have a new blazer to wear. Wahoo!

2 days until Capstone
3 days until the Party
4 days until I'm 28.

Goodnight sweet world. Goodnight little sister, I'm glad we talked.

Good Morning

Why am I up this bloody early? I'm not sick, I'm not depressed. Why am I awake?

People fail, not love. I have to have faith in love because what else is there? Strip away all of our bravado and games and that's all we have left ... Love.

I gotta go back to bed I'm waxing too philosophical.

Too much

Liam called tonight. I think he's gotten over our last blow out. I just hope he's not expecting anything from me over Christmas break. It would be interesting if Liam and Jeff Carroll met. Jeff's coming to Iowa! I can't wait to see Jeff in the land of corn and hogs. Both of them are so jealous and moody. They'd end up bitch slapping each other, which could be fun to see.

Capstone on Thursday. I need to work on the power point. What the hell does power point have to do with creative writing?

Polaroid Stories and Party on Friday. I really can't drink that much. The last few times I've gone out, I've been out of control. I want to have a good time, hang out with friends, and remember it the next day.

Birthday on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm about to be 28. I don't feel much over 23 or 24. But when you look back on my life - you'd think I was 35-40.

Here's to sucking all the marrow out of life.

Dear Chicago: I miss you!

Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said "that's impossible to do."
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted (bad / back)
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.

The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurt's me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.

Jeff - I missed you today. I wish we were driving in your car. smoking camels and listening to Ryan Adams.

Zombie Update

We will be shooting Project ZF with Tory's camera at 24 frames, which is how we shot Edit. We will also need to mask the camera to shoot it in widescreen.

I don't need to buy a slate or headphones.

We are meeting with the police department a week from tomorrow to discuss the use of police and police gear and also shutting down a block on a Sunday morning to shoot the walking scene. We will also be meeting with the Under Sheriff to talk about using the jail.

Now is the time to start planning out a schedule. The script is done and everyone is happy with it.

Wow! This thing is actually going to happen.

Things I've Learned

I learned alot this weekend during filming:

1. Actors are irresponsible
2. Always have an understudy
3. You must be able to trust your crew
4. Your crew needs to know what your vision is so they can be trusted
5. Do not mirco-manage as a director
6. Pick actors that can develop a character
7. Do not repremand a crew member in front of actors
8. Match-action = editing hell
9. Show a script to as little people as possible
10. Rehearse with actors before the day of the shoot
11. Be kind to the sound guy
12. Only change shudder speeds for specific reasons - fight scenes, flying dust
13. Work with people who respect you and vise versa
14. I miss working with Tory
15. Most people don't realize when they are fucking with your career
16. Allow the cast and crew to have fun between shots
17. Pick a DP that kicks ass and allow him/her to do so
    

Greed

It is hard to tell how filming went without seeing the footage. My concern lies with the editing. I'm sure we got several good shots, but jumping between two or three different shudder speeds could be problematic.

It was also hard when actors came to me with questions because I couldn't answer them - only Corwin. The slap looked really good. I was happy with all the performances.

I hate filming just because it takes so much out of me. I am fucking exhausted. I can't wait for bed.

Fast Car

U2 download

Gabe, have you ever heard this song?

Filming

We start filming Greed today at 11. I'm a little nervous because the script is partially mine and I'm not sure where Corwin is going with it.

Of all the directors I've worked with Corwin talks to me the least. This bothers me because it is my job to help him in anything he needs. Now that he's not talking to me, I'll be more hesitant to mention things during the shoot. The filming shouldn't be too complicated. I'm just ready to have these films done so I can concentrate on Project ZF and on Spark.

I'm hoping the boys start showing me footage before Thanksgiving.

Hatred

I just found out that one of my friends - or I thought she was my friend - hates me. She thinks I'm psycho and has no problem telling people this bit of opinion.

I can't remember any time that I was mean or insincere with her. I've always had a lot of respect for her and I was going to ask her to help on the Zombie Film for costuming. Not anymore. I don't want to work with someone that has such a low opinion of me. I want people who support me and my vision.

I know she's seen me drunk but this is ridiculous. I can't imagine her smack talking helped in my last failed relationship.

I will continue to support her efforts in the Theatre department; however, I will limit my social contact with her.

It's not Janet.

Project ZF

Had breakfast with Justin this morning. We talked about the Zombie film. I'm alittle worried about how big the scope is. Have to talk to the mayor about shutting down the block off the park downtown. Talk to the police about having two officers involved. Need to find out if the police even have riot gear. Need to decide if I'm shooting on 16mm or shooting digital in widescreen. Need to find 75 extras and have each of them sign performer releases. Location agreements, buy new headphones, buy a clapper ...

Shit. And people wonder why I'm doing preproduction now.

Zombie Update

Over Thanksgiving break I will write the script, complete the storyboards and work with Tory on the camera tacticles. I need a title other than Viral.

Last night, Sean Campbell agreed to be my assistant director. I think this is a good move. I know Sean can be mean to me and keep me on time. I just hope he has the time to do it.



My crew thus far:

Writer, Director, Producer - me
Director of Photography - Justin
Camera - Torrance
Assistant Camera - Matt Benson
Assistant Director - Sean
Makeup - Luke
Lead Zombie - Drew
Gaffers - Kerr Twins

My last film project at Western State College!

Zombies

I want this tee!

I heart shooting zombies!

House

I wandered around the drafty house needing something to occupy my mind. Unlike the luxurious bedroom, the rest of the house was sparsely furnished. After years of moving around, I hadn’t accumulated many belongings and was tentative to buy anything new: I wanted little to chain me down.

I rambled through the house obsessively setting things right: a crooked picture on the wall, a couch that wasn’t perfectly parallel with the picture window, and the computer monitor that was tilted at an odd angle. I gazed at the pictures that lined the modest mantle. Each one told a different story of my life in order: picture of a miniature me playing with my grandfather, my toothless grin in third grade, David and me at Freshman Homecoming, high school graduation, wedding pictures, an unhappy picture of me at college, grad school graduation, and a Polaroid of me getting the keys to this house. The only things missing from this timeline of photos was Jonas’s funeral and mom’s headstone.

As if under a wizard’s spell, I dug the dusty suitcases out from under the bed and began to fill them. I hadn’t used the suitcases since I moved to this mountain valley two years before. If I traveled, I required only an overnight bag or a camping backpack. I was unaware I was packing until I was nearly done with the task; I wondered if it was the lingering effects of the sleeping pills. The suitcases were happy to receive sweaters, jeans, and the like. Packing for winter in Iowa was no light task.

Albert silently padded after me all through the house. My watch dog although I think the only thing he watched was me. Albert provided me with the companionship and comfort I was unable to get from people. Silently, we were better able to communicate than most of my friends.

The house moaned and sighed, resigned to release me to the outside world for a few days. Ever since I was little girl I’d assigned human characteristics to everything I came in contact with: houses, dogs, trees, toasters. I believed everything had a way to communicate if only we were able to slow down enough and be silent within our souls to listen. I found this to be the only way to understand the world around me as my life had proved infinitely mysterious and incomprehensible. I listened to the house wondering what it was thinking and saying. It moaned and swayed in the wind asking me why I had to go. Yet, Iowa beckoned. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it pulled me like moth drawn to a flame, and I knew I’d get burned.

Scars

After a long shower, I stood staring at myself in the mirror. The black dress was a perfect fit but without sleeves it revealed too much. The white scars that ran from wrist to elbow looked as though someone had tried to stuff my arm into a paper shredder, failed, and haphazardly glued the pieces back together. The cuts done to quell the pain swelling inside were meant to silence my head and not to silence me entirely.

I hated these scars yet I knew all of them stemmed from the memories contained in this one bit of Iowa landscape - a landscape etched in my every movement. Newton, Iowa. My hometown. I became bitter just at the sound of it crossing someone’s tongue. Newton originally meant “new town.” I’d always wondered what clever fool thought of this name. I fled Newton the first chance I could and had not looked back over my shoulder. Little good came from Newton aside from Maytag. Other than washing machines and dishwashers Newton bred nothing but drug addiction, sexual frustration, and contempt.

Polaroid Stories

Polaroid Stories was cool from what I saw. I didn't want to watch the second act just yet. I'm going to see it on the 18th for my birthday.

I don't see why Jeff was so pissed about not being cast. That kid has never been poor a day in his life. He's also homophobic enough that the role would have been completely unbelieveable. Elizabeth did a great job with that role and I understand Karin's casting now more than ever.

I was impressed with Heather. When she was yelling at Monte about where her stuff is, I felt like I was in that moment with her.

Lee played the character that he knows - too cool for school guy with all the connections.

Betsy's role was pretty cool, I'm hoping it gets developed more in the second act. Her voice inflection works beauitfully.

Jon was awesome. I forget that he can sing. I hoping he didn't get hurt last night when he hit the platform. It looked painful.

Sleep

I stepped into the downstairs bathroom, downed two Tylenol PM with a glass of Alka-Seltzer, and brushed my teeth. Years of insomnia led to a slight dependency on sleep aids. The average person can fall asleep in 15 minutes or less; on a good night I can find slumber after about two hours.

Albert watching, I crawled into bed, settled in, and whispered his name. On cue, he bounded into bed and curled up next to my back. I designed the space myself. The queen-size bed was elevated above the rest of the furniture. Decked out in deep purple and sky blue velvet the bed faced a large bank of windows. I intended the space to be the ultimate in comfort to entice the sandman.

Sleep had never been a good friend. I would put it off as long as possible only to give in willing and take as much as possible. I often felt like I’m about to drop to the floor and die yet I do not wish to sleep.

Each night before I turn out the bedside light, I try to think of all the daily happenings that I should be thankful for. This night I was very pleased with my day. I’d relaxed in the last of the autumn’s afternoons. I’d prepared the flower beds and other plants for the long winter ahead. I relished the sunburn that blushed my cheeks: a warm kiss from God.

For the first time in my life I had placed a telephone in my bedroom. I felt I was finally safe from tragic midnight phone calls. The phone rang now. Sad and low it chirped at me. I switched on the bedside lamp illuminating the space. Looking at the clock, I knew any news between the witching hour and dawn could not be good news.

I learned this fact early. Mom worked graveyard at the hospital. Some mornings she would come home with a vacant look, reeking of cigarettes, and I knew something had gone wrong. I dreaded those mornings because of the damage they did to my mother’s psyche; however, I loved those mornings because I could glimpse her frailty. That was the only time in my life I’d seen her with her guard down.

The phone chirped again. Why had I put that Goddamn phone in here? What could have happened now? Hadn’t I suffered every imaginable tragedy?

I just realized this may be my last winter in Colorado. I've spent much of my life as a nomad but I've lived within this beautiful state for almost nine years. It feels like home.

At the same time, I can't wait to leave. I create a pit of pain and leave. It is now time to move on.

It is time to create someone new. Redefine myself in a new place, a new time.

Dead Alive

This movie was soooo bad it was awesome! It is one of the goriest, but not in a good way. The makeup was amazingly bad.

I think my favourite line was: I kick ass for the Lord!

I think we should all be glad Peter Jackson moved out of New Zealand and moved from zombies to hobbits.

However, the lawnmower scene was priceless!

It was a late night but, filming went well last night. I was impressed by Sean's ability to put his actors at ease in such an uncomfortable situation. I was also blown away by Amanda's performance. She was able to put all of her akwardness aside and give a great performance. I hope I didn't step on Sean's toes too much during the shoot.

I had one of the best conversation about Frank Miller. It was awesome. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about graphic novels for four years.

Justin ditched class and we watched the trailor for V for Vendetta. We discussed Will Eisner and talked about the zombie film.

I've got the script in my head and I've taken photos for storyboards. I've convinced Drew to shave his head. All I have to do is talk to the police and talk to the mayor. I'm not really want to discuss too much of the script with anyone other than Drew, Justin and Tory. But I'm totally stoked.

Talked to Terry for awhile today. He seems to be doing better. I hope our chat the other night helped. I think its funny that I showed up to calm him down and I'm the one that ended up in tears.

Goodnight sweet world.

Went to the doctor this morning. It is official - I blew out my knee. But the good thing is that I can wait to do surgery if I can handle the pain.

I'll probably wait until next August.