The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark, less sharp version of the truth. - Dean Koontz
Aislin wondered if her heart had run out of paint. Her flight, leaving the mountains headed for the land of corn, had been canceled four times. She wondered if it was a sign.
Aislin sat in her apartment, watching snow fall and drift, deciding that if her flight was canceled again she would not re-book. She would spend the holiday break in Colorado.
19 December 2005
United
Another flight canceled! I was supposed to be in Des Moines last night at 10. It is 7am and I'm sitting in Gunnison having breakfast with Matt and Chenoa. I threw out all my food yesterday because I was supposed to be gone for two weeks.
I've missed two dentist appointments today. I hope I can still get my teeth done. My teeth are the whole reason I'm going back to Iowa.
It has been snowing here for the past 12 hours. I'm a little worried about getting off the ground this afternoon. But I am assured that the Airbus will take off and I'm flying first class the whole way. I plan to get off the plane in Des Moines drunk!
It is ironic. The last place I wanted to go was Iowa and now I can't get there.
I hope all my friends had safe travels this past weekend. I'll keep you updated. Mags
I've missed two dentist appointments today. I hope I can still get my teeth done. My teeth are the whole reason I'm going back to Iowa.
It has been snowing here for the past 12 hours. I'm a little worried about getting off the ground this afternoon. But I am assured that the Airbus will take off and I'm flying first class the whole way. I plan to get off the plane in Des Moines drunk!
It is ironic. The last place I wanted to go was Iowa and now I can't get there.
I hope all my friends had safe travels this past weekend. I'll keep you updated. Mags
17 December 2005
Packing
I'm currently packing my bags to leave tomorrow at 4:44pm to Iowa. This is not a trip I want to make. It is trip I fear every year. I don't know why I'm so terrified of returning home. My best guess is that I fear this trip will open all the scars I've worked so hard to heal. I love my life and don't want anything to jeoparidize it in any way. Open wounds threaten my stability. This is the first time in the past ten years that I can say that I'm stable and happy.
Last year on New Years Day I sat at the kitchen table in my mother's house and told her I wasn't coming back this year. I only went last year because I was told my grandfather was dying. I'm happy to say Fred Brown is in good health and still alive.
This year my mom concocted some tale about not feeling well and having trobles with her agoraphobia. She is the most manipulative woman I've ever met. I hope that her manipulation doesn't kill me.
Last year on New Years Day I sat at the kitchen table in my mother's house and told her I wasn't coming back this year. I only went last year because I was told my grandfather was dying. I'm happy to say Fred Brown is in good health and still alive.
This year my mom concocted some tale about not feeling well and having trobles with her agoraphobia. She is the most manipulative woman I've ever met. I hope that her manipulation doesn't kill me.
9-11
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart
15 December 2005
Music Stats
How many songs? 2912
Sort by artist
First artist: 10,000 Maniacs
Last artist: Zombie Nation
Sort by song title
First Song: #41 (Dave Matthews Band)
Last Song: Zoo Station (U2)
Sort by time
Shortest Song: Star Spangled Banner (U2) 0:43 seconds
Longest Song: Presto (Beethoven) 24:38 min.
Sort by album
First Album: 100 Years of Cinema
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You
First song that comes up on shuffle: River (Joni Mitchell)
Sort by artist
First artist: 10,000 Maniacs
Last artist: Zombie Nation
Sort by song title
First Song: #41 (Dave Matthews Band)
Last Song: Zoo Station (U2)
Sort by time
Shortest Song: Star Spangled Banner (U2) 0:43 seconds
Longest Song: Presto (Beethoven) 24:38 min.
Sort by album
First Album: 100 Years of Cinema
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You
First song that comes up on shuffle: River (Joni Mitchell)
Jail
I was able to secure the jail/exercise area for Quarantine despite the naysayers.
A police office and an attorney told me there was no way I would be able to use that space, let alone film in there.
WARNING: Don't ever tell me what I can't do! I will prove you wrong time after time.
We will be shooting this scene Saturday morning, February 11th at 7 or 8. We need to shoot this early because of lighting. Also only four people can go into the jail- Drew, Justin, Tory, and myself. Therefore, the makeup will have to be done at my house before we head over.
I've reduced the shooting schedule to one weekend. It will keep all of us in the groove and focused on the prize.
I meet with the Chief of Police tomorrow morning. I hope all goes well there. A lot hangs on his response.
A police office and an attorney told me there was no way I would be able to use that space, let alone film in there.
WARNING: Don't ever tell me what I can't do! I will prove you wrong time after time.
We will be shooting this scene Saturday morning, February 11th at 7 or 8. We need to shoot this early because of lighting. Also only four people can go into the jail- Drew, Justin, Tory, and myself. Therefore, the makeup will have to be done at my house before we head over.
I've reduced the shooting schedule to one weekend. It will keep all of us in the groove and focused on the prize.
I meet with the Chief of Police tomorrow morning. I hope all goes well there. A lot hangs on his response.
14 December 2005
Distillation
I recall
a distillation of you
I met at an
intersection of bodies,
an edgeless
twisting of limbs.
A kiss languishing
in fractured memory.
You held me down
and pushed boundaries.
You overwhelmed me -
embraced by safely,
touched by love.
a distillation of you
I met at an
intersection of bodies,
an edgeless
twisting of limbs.
A kiss languishing
in fractured memory.
You held me down
and pushed boundaries.
You overwhelmed me -
embraced by safely,
touched by love.
13 December 2005
Hell
Bretta dug the exacto knife out of her artist's case, replaced the dull blade she'd used to cut matboard, swabbed the new blade with rubbing alcohol and set it on the rim of the bath tub.
The smell akin to grandma's peach cobbler filled the air from the bubble bath foaming under the running tap. She stripped and stepped into the bubbles.
Iodine stained her right bicep as she scrubbed it raw. The knife glinting in her peripheral vision.
It had been three years since she'd given all her knifes and blades to a friend, a year since she'd drawn the iron across her hand several times, and three months since she'd declared herself broken of this destructive habit.
She grasped the blade in her left hand, because she was less likely to cut too deep with the weaker hand. She drew it down the curve of her muscle, watching red blossom to the surface. She dipped the blade in the steaming water and set it on the edge again.
Bretta welcomed the blessed sting as she slipped down into the water. The pain washed away pain. The sting washed away all self-loathing thoughts.
Bretta smiled - soothed and alive.
Friends - remember I do write fiction! I'm fine. No iodine, no blades.
The smell akin to grandma's peach cobbler filled the air from the bubble bath foaming under the running tap. She stripped and stepped into the bubbles.
Iodine stained her right bicep as she scrubbed it raw. The knife glinting in her peripheral vision.
It had been three years since she'd given all her knifes and blades to a friend, a year since she'd drawn the iron across her hand several times, and three months since she'd declared herself broken of this destructive habit.
She grasped the blade in her left hand, because she was less likely to cut too deep with the weaker hand. She drew it down the curve of her muscle, watching red blossom to the surface. She dipped the blade in the steaming water and set it on the edge again.
Bretta welcomed the blessed sting as she slipped down into the water. The pain washed away pain. The sting washed away all self-loathing thoughts.
Bretta smiled - soothed and alive.
Friends - remember I do write fiction! I'm fine. No iodine, no blades.
Not a Poem - Fiction
A phone number written down
and deleted.
A flame reborn
and extinguished.
Hopes written down
in a lost journal.
Words cannot fill
broken promises.
Issues of proximity
magnified in silence.
A sullen girl draws
herself a shattered smile.
Blue Shirt
The blue Brooks Brothers shirt needed to go to the dry cleaners but she wore it anyway.
Aislin pulled on the shirt because she didn't want to go to work, because she wanted to be reminded of Quinn, and because everyone loved her in blue.
Contract Day wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it was going to be. She was saved from phone by the tedium of calculating revenue, deposit amount, and termination fees. Furthermore, she was able to do all this while hiding in her office, listening to Damien Rice, and drinking cups and cups of Mango tea. Vitamin B-12! Excellent for the sex drive, although her drive had never been the problem.
The calculator made Aislin smile. It was weird to think about the virtues of this small device, but it was the only thing providing definitive answers in her life. Isn't math wonderful?
Aislin pulled on the shirt because she didn't want to go to work, because she wanted to be reminded of Quinn, and because everyone loved her in blue.
Contract Day wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it was going to be. She was saved from phone by the tedium of calculating revenue, deposit amount, and termination fees. Furthermore, she was able to do all this while hiding in her office, listening to Damien Rice, and drinking cups and cups of Mango tea. Vitamin B-12! Excellent for the sex drive, although her drive had never been the problem.
The calculator made Aislin smile. It was weird to think about the virtues of this small device, but it was the only thing providing definitive answers in her life. Isn't math wonderful?
Terrors
Aislin rubbed lotion into her dry, cracked hands and prepared for the keyboard. Last night her head had been filled with horrific visions. She hoped to recapture a few of them before they faded.
It had been several months since her last night terror. This morning's was bad. She blamed it on the heat.
Aislin turned up the heat a week ago in anticipation of Quinn's visit. However, the heat wasn't working properly and Quinn never made it. The heat had been mysteriously fixed over night and her room was a sauna.
It was no surprise the nightmares had come. It was shaping up to be a horrible week.
Quinn was supposed to be coming up this weekend, but she hadn't heard from him in several days. She knew he was busy with trials.
Aislin really wanted to see him, if only to quell her fears before hoping an airplane for the frozen land of corn. She longed to lay her head on his chest and stare into his blue eyes. She was afraid extenuating circumstances would blindside her plans again.
Yesterday, the nightmare scenario of finals week had come to pass. The computer crashed losing papers she'd been working on. She'd gotten an extension but still didn't feel like rewriting a 10 page screenplay from scratch.
Today was contract day at work. Aislin wasn't in the mood to be chipper with conference clients. She wanted to stay in bed drink mugs and mugs of Green Tea and read. But she needed the paycheck.
12 December 2005
Good Night - Good Afternoon
I'm going back to bed after the worst morning ever!
6AM - wake up and shower
6:30 - start working on Advanced Writing Portfolio
7:15 - try to call Reggy (no luck)
8:45 - computer crashes and takes two documents with it
9:05 - computer starts up but no screenplay and no introduction
10:00 - Organize everything for my portfolio except the adaptation and introduction
10:15 - 12:00 - Stalk my professor
12:00 - leave long note explaining what happened and turn in Portfolio
1:00 Corwin blew his nose at the table while we were eatting lunch - thought I was going to vomit
1:50 Vomited
I also managed to break a filing thingy that hangs on my office wall, fall on the ice, bang my bad knee into a desk, ruin two pairs of tights, swear in front of one of my favourite professors, nearly ripped out a piercing.
I hope this means my week can only get exponentially better. I need a good week before I leave for Iowa.
I'm going to bed and reading Forever Odd. I may just stay there for the rest of the day to avoid any other complications.
6AM - wake up and shower
6:30 - start working on Advanced Writing Portfolio
7:15 - try to call Reggy (no luck)
8:45 - computer crashes and takes two documents with it
9:05 - computer starts up but no screenplay and no introduction
10:00 - Organize everything for my portfolio except the adaptation and introduction
10:15 - 12:00 - Stalk my professor
12:00 - leave long note explaining what happened and turn in Portfolio
1:00 Corwin blew his nose at the table while we were eatting lunch - thought I was going to vomit
1:50 Vomited
I also managed to break a filing thingy that hangs on my office wall, fall on the ice, bang my bad knee into a desk, ruin two pairs of tights, swear in front of one of my favourite professors, nearly ripped out a piercing.
I hope this means my week can only get exponentially better. I need a good week before I leave for Iowa.
I'm going to bed and reading Forever Odd. I may just stay there for the rest of the day to avoid any other complications.
11 December 2005
Gathering
Aislin gathered herself for the coming week, going through her usual Sunday routine: trim the hair, manicure, and light facial.
She just wanted to go back to bed and sleep through the next month to wake up a week into the new semester. She knew her fear was worse than any of the events about to transpire here or in Iowa.
She thought about the new man in her life - tripidation palpable. One weekend ruined. Although the circumstances were beyond anyone's control, her disappointment was real and painful. She was left wondering if she should get her hopes up for next weekend. If her expectations weren't high, then disappointment wouldn't be such a bother.
She'd promised herself she wouldn't fear love and that she wouldn't push this one away. Aislin wanted to feel joy, to wait with baited breath, to anticipate amazing things, but life had robbed her of the long-term capacity of hopeful anticipation.
"You're being ridiculous," she said to her reflection in the mirror. "He doesn't want to hurt you."
She leaned close to the mirror searching for the green flecks he'd claimed to see. She laughed at how funny she must have looked, wanting to see what he saw.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may..."
She just wanted to go back to bed and sleep through the next month to wake up a week into the new semester. She knew her fear was worse than any of the events about to transpire here or in Iowa.
She thought about the new man in her life - tripidation palpable. One weekend ruined. Although the circumstances were beyond anyone's control, her disappointment was real and painful. She was left wondering if she should get her hopes up for next weekend. If her expectations weren't high, then disappointment wouldn't be such a bother.
She'd promised herself she wouldn't fear love and that she wouldn't push this one away. Aislin wanted to feel joy, to wait with baited breath, to anticipate amazing things, but life had robbed her of the long-term capacity of hopeful anticipation.
"You're being ridiculous," she said to her reflection in the mirror. "He doesn't want to hurt you."
She leaned close to the mirror searching for the green flecks he'd claimed to see. She laughed at how funny she must have looked, wanting to see what he saw.
"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may..."
Countdown
The countdown until I land in Iowa:
- 1 Newman Christmas Party
- 1 Screenplay to write
- 1 Advanced Writing Portfolio
- 2 Graphic Design Projects
- 2 Pre-production meetings
- 3 days of work
- 1 visit from Reggy (fingers crossed)
- 10 (approx) emails from Mom telling how excited she is
- 1 Graduation party
- 2 suitcases to pack
- 2 connecting flights
- 1 Oral Surgery
- 2 teeth to replace
- 2 teeth to be over-hauled
- 1 General Surgery
- 2 days recovery
- 1 new piercing to explain
- 2 quilts that I must complete (a dozen I want to make)
- 1 appointment with a GI specialist
- 1 Holiday party I don't want to attend but I'm the guest of honor
- 3 weeks with little to no internet
- 1 cranky lawyer
- 1 dying grandparent
- 1 agoraphobic mother
Small World
It was kind of a surreal experience in Grand Junction today. I ran into my shrink in the Gap. I haven't been in therapy with Spencer for over a year, but I know he remembers all my little peccadilloes. But a year like the one I've had and no therapy. That felt good.
I had a good day shopping with Jeff. It kept my mind off other topics. It was also Ryan Adams appreciation night on the drive home.
I did acquire one small detail, an accessory if you will, that will annoy my mother.
My tummy is feeling better after last night's fireworks. I had a fabulous time vomiting the equivalent to hydrochloric acid at 3 in the morning. I just need to be better about taking these stupid pills and avoiding food that upsets my tummy which includes everything.
I had a good day shopping with Jeff. It kept my mind off other topics. It was also Ryan Adams appreciation night on the drive home.
I did acquire one small detail, an accessory if you will, that will annoy my mother.
My tummy is feeling better after last night's fireworks. I had a fabulous time vomiting the equivalent to hydrochloric acid at 3 in the morning. I just need to be better about taking these stupid pills and avoiding food that upsets my tummy which includes everything.
09 December 2005
Friday Night and I just want to stay home...
Reggy will not be here this weekend. He got scheduled for a trial on Monday and needs to prep all weekend. I don't need to talk about how disappointed I am ... it's obvious. There's always next weekend. According to the National Weather System, it is supposed to remain clear through next week.
My mom's not doing any better. It is so hard when the roles are reversed. Child caring for parent. I don't know what to do for her. I feel really f*&^ing helpless.
We took a Christmas tree over to the family we adopted for Christmas. She's a single mom with four kids. Dad took off two years ago probably back to Mexico. I was in no mood to deal with young children. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed. I'm so glad I went. She made us coffee and cookies. Watching those children light up at the college students bringing them a Christmas tree. Mom used to be a ballet dancer in New York before she got pregnant. Irish-Italian, she's a fighter and an amazing woman. I was honoured to be welcomed into her home. It is hard to feel sorry for myself when watching her smile over a mug of coffee, watch her children ask questions about my hair, to have her hug me with tears in her eyes. I will not suffer, I'm done crying this week.
I think still might stay in tonight and finish the Cornwell book. I'd really like to start Forever Odd before I leave for Iowa. I'd like to have something good to read for the flight.
Goodnight sweet world. Goodnight extenuating circumstances. Goodnight Reggy. Goodnight Mom, tomorrow will be a brighter day.
My mom's not doing any better. It is so hard when the roles are reversed. Child caring for parent. I don't know what to do for her. I feel really f*&^ing helpless.
We took a Christmas tree over to the family we adopted for Christmas. She's a single mom with four kids. Dad took off two years ago probably back to Mexico. I was in no mood to deal with young children. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed. I'm so glad I went. She made us coffee and cookies. Watching those children light up at the college students bringing them a Christmas tree. Mom used to be a ballet dancer in New York before she got pregnant. Irish-Italian, she's a fighter and an amazing woman. I was honoured to be welcomed into her home. It is hard to feel sorry for myself when watching her smile over a mug of coffee, watch her children ask questions about my hair, to have her hug me with tears in her eyes. I will not suffer, I'm done crying this week.
I think still might stay in tonight and finish the Cornwell book. I'd really like to start Forever Odd before I leave for Iowa. I'd like to have something good to read for the flight.
Goodnight sweet world. Goodnight extenuating circumstances. Goodnight Reggy. Goodnight Mom, tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Morning Rant
Why do men feel the need to whistle along with a song on the radio? What is that?
I'm in the design lab trying to finish my final and all the guys in here are whistling to Steve Miller. It probably drives me insane because Dan ruined John Phillip Sousa for me by whistling it in the shower.
I'm in the design lab trying to finish my final and all the guys in here are whistling to Steve Miller. It probably drives me insane because Dan ruined John Phillip Sousa for me by whistling it in the shower.
Good Morning sweet, cold world.I should know around 3:00 this afternoon if Reggy is coming up. I really hope he can make it. It all depends if he has trial on Monday. Please no trial, Please no trial.
I just found out Speilberg's Munich was written by Tony Kushner. I had my doubts about seeing it earlier, now ... I'm in.
Paul's pissed that I didn't put my 92 page version in my Capstone. I was surprised by that. He felt I was cheating him as a reader.
Well, I have to shower and I'm off to the design lab.
At the Theatre
The reading of Catharsis went very well. Some of the lines killed me, but watching Joey and Larry walk on stage scares the crap out of me everytime.
For my next revision I am deleting Victor, the gay guy. He does little to increase the emotional arc and there are too many issues there. Victor deserves his own play.
Paul wants to see more of a resolution with Joey and Larry. I have to say that I agree. I'll have to work on that one later, though. I'm about to go home and face Larry. I promise you, there is no resolution between us. It hard to write about a situation you can't see yourself out of.
I felt bad for Joesph. I think we left him out and the only time I really talked with him was to discuss what changes he should make to his play.
I should know soon enough if Catharsis made it into ACTF. I'd like it to go, but at the same time I don't have time to go. Does ACTF have playwriting workshops at the conference?
For my next revision I am deleting Victor, the gay guy. He does little to increase the emotional arc and there are too many issues there. Victor deserves his own play.
Paul wants to see more of a resolution with Joey and Larry. I have to say that I agree. I'll have to work on that one later, though. I'm about to go home and face Larry. I promise you, there is no resolution between us. It hard to write about a situation you can't see yourself out of.
I felt bad for Joesph. I think we left him out and the only time I really talked with him was to discuss what changes he should make to his play.
I should know soon enough if Catharsis made it into ACTF. I'd like it to go, but at the same time I don't have time to go. Does ACTF have playwriting workshops at the conference?
08 December 2005
Deconstruction
Why are we so prone to self-defeating behaviours and thoughts? Nothing good can happen without over-analysis or guilt. Or do these thoughts come from being a deconstructionist?
Glass of Wine?
Hooray! Just got home in time to watch Oprah! Uhhh... I think I'll watch Aeon Flux instead.
Considering the supremely crappy morning I had, I was really productive. I contacted a bunch of clients for Conference Services and worked on a few contracts. Scheduled a meeting with the Under-Sheriff and Captain of Detention regarding the use of the jail for Quarantine. I worked on my Advanced Writing portfolio and had a fabulous lunch with Jeff.
Would it be inappropriate to have a few glasses of wine before going to my play tonight? I don't think so.
I saw Luke's film, ICU, today. It looked really good in black and white. No more crazy colour temperatures.
We cut the music out of Sean's film which is funny because it was such a bitch writing the release and sending it back and forth to Michigan or Wisconsin. But I now have a boiler-plate music release if I ever need it again.
Matt Benson is confirmed as our assistant camera for both Spark and Quarantine. Wahoo! Tree will be assistant makeup. I'm thinking about using Susan Noble as my catering coordinator. Food is the one part of producing I don't want to have to deal with if I'm directing too. Shit, I just remembered I need to get ahold of someone to use Webster Hall for the big street scene.
I was also asked today to help plan a retirement party for Bobby Pike at the end of April. This ought to be fun. It was funny because all of us whipped out our day planners at the same time.
Reggy, I hope your shoulder feels better soon. I also hope you stop taking the percocet soon, it is a derivative of heroine. Yes, that's why you feel so funny. If the cleaners hadn't lost my cape I'd be down there tonight: cooking you dinner, tucking you into bed, and reading you the sports pages.
Considering the supremely crappy morning I had, I was really productive. I contacted a bunch of clients for Conference Services and worked on a few contracts. Scheduled a meeting with the Under-Sheriff and Captain of Detention regarding the use of the jail for Quarantine. I worked on my Advanced Writing portfolio and had a fabulous lunch with Jeff.
Would it be inappropriate to have a few glasses of wine before going to my play tonight? I don't think so.
I saw Luke's film, ICU, today. It looked really good in black and white. No more crazy colour temperatures.
We cut the music out of Sean's film which is funny because it was such a bitch writing the release and sending it back and forth to Michigan or Wisconsin. But I now have a boiler-plate music release if I ever need it again.
Matt Benson is confirmed as our assistant camera for both Spark and Quarantine. Wahoo! Tree will be assistant makeup. I'm thinking about using Susan Noble as my catering coordinator. Food is the one part of producing I don't want to have to deal with if I'm directing too. Shit, I just remembered I need to get ahold of someone to use Webster Hall for the big street scene.
I was also asked today to help plan a retirement party for Bobby Pike at the end of April. This ought to be fun. It was funny because all of us whipped out our day planners at the same time.
Reggy, I hope your shoulder feels better soon. I also hope you stop taking the percocet soon, it is a derivative of heroine. Yes, that's why you feel so funny. If the cleaners hadn't lost my cape I'd be down there tonight: cooking you dinner, tucking you into bed, and reading you the sports pages.
Christmas Wish list
I want a megaphone for Christmas. I need one for the set of Quartantine. However, I'd prefer one that isn't connected to an Ipod or strapped to a motorcycle helmet. But that would be funny.
I can't wait to explain to the Chief of Police that I want to shut down a city block to shoot a zombie film.
In Silence
Aislin curled into a ball at the bottom of the shower. Fiona Apple sang about men she'd done wrong and Aislin wept into her cupped hands.
She wept for the violation of her step-father. She wept for the man miles and miles away, who had no idea of the demons that danced daily in her soul. She wept for her mother.
She wept for the scars on her arms and her daily battle not to add more.
Today's early morning phone call from the abyss, nearly sent her over the edge. A mother scared and in need of her child's comfort. The mother that had taught her how to be a victim, how to weep in silence, how to cover the scars.
Children who suffer abuse cry in quite to avoid being beaten again, other children wail and bawl to recieve attention.
Aislin didn't want to cry today. She couldn't face the world with eyes blurred.
She wept for the violation of her step-father. She wept for the man miles and miles away, who had no idea of the demons that danced daily in her soul. She wept for her mother.
She wept for the scars on her arms and her daily battle not to add more.
Today's early morning phone call from the abyss, nearly sent her over the edge. A mother scared and in need of her child's comfort. The mother that had taught her how to be a victim, how to weep in silence, how to cover the scars.
Children who suffer abuse cry in quite to avoid being beaten again, other children wail and bawl to recieve attention.
Aislin didn't want to cry today. She couldn't face the world with eyes blurred.
07 December 2005
Good Day
Jeff got the job at Wells Fargo. Wahoo! I'm so happy he no longer works at Palisades.
Plus, I got Aeon Flux in the mail today. I've only been waiting for 3 weeks. It should have been here before Thanksgiving. Either way I now have it.
We had a pre-production meeting today. We are scheduled to shoot Spark the weekend of January 27-29. We are also shooting Project ZF, tenatively entitled Quartentine, February11-12 and 17-19.
I got an email confirmation today that ACTF recieved Catharsis. Plus I'm going up to Crested Butte tomorrow night to see a staged reading of it. I'm not nervous anymore. This will be the fourth staged reading. I do hope I get some good feedback afterwards.
Tomorrow I should be getting a knee brace. So if I fall walking across campus I won't tear my ACL.
My editorial came out today. It should be an interesting day tomorrow. All the fundamentalist Christians will be pissed at me. This should be a fun debate. It has been a few years since I've had my life threatened because of a newspaper article. Four years to be exact and that kid dropped out of school and joined the Army.
Plus, I got Aeon Flux in the mail today. I've only been waiting for 3 weeks. It should have been here before Thanksgiving. Either way I now have it.
We had a pre-production meeting today. We are scheduled to shoot Spark the weekend of January 27-29. We are also shooting Project ZF, tenatively entitled Quartentine, February11-12 and 17-19.
I got an email confirmation today that ACTF recieved Catharsis. Plus I'm going up to Crested Butte tomorrow night to see a staged reading of it. I'm not nervous anymore. This will be the fourth staged reading. I do hope I get some good feedback afterwards.
Tomorrow I should be getting a knee brace. So if I fall walking across campus I won't tear my ACL.
My editorial came out today. It should be an interesting day tomorrow. All the fundamentalist Christians will be pissed at me. This should be a fun debate. It has been a few years since I've had my life threatened because of a newspaper article. Four years to be exact and that kid dropped out of school and joined the Army.
Optimism
The concert did quite a bit to cheer me up. Mozart's Symphony No. 25 was great except for the one violin that was tragically out of tune. Schubert's Mass in G Major was excellent. I wonder how many people know what they were singing. I spent most of the time translating the words. I even enjoyed the band, even though every warned me that they sucked. John Wacker is an entertaining conductor.
I'm a little irritated with my little sister. It seems such an imposition for her to hang out with her friends without making out with Drew and she wonders why we don't hang out that much anymore.
So, during the concert I challenged myself to come up with good things about going back to Iowa and not deeds that would annoy my mom. It will help me to break my addiction to the internet. It will also remind me why I am a political commentator. I spend much of my time fighting for ideals my family instilled in me, I need to be reminded why those are important. It will be lots of free time to write. I have so many pieces that need attention and many pieces that are ready for submission. I'll have time to read. I can stay in bed for a full day reading and not feel guilty.
Goodnight sweet world. I'll be more optimistic tomorrow. Goodnight Reggy. I hope you had a good day and I look forward to snowman building. Goodnight Mom, I'll see you soon.
I'm a little irritated with my little sister. It seems such an imposition for her to hang out with her friends without making out with Drew and she wonders why we don't hang out that much anymore.
So, during the concert I challenged myself to come up with good things about going back to Iowa and not deeds that would annoy my mom. It will help me to break my addiction to the internet. It will also remind me why I am a political commentator. I spend much of my time fighting for ideals my family instilled in me, I need to be reminded why those are important. It will be lots of free time to write. I have so many pieces that need attention and many pieces that are ready for submission. I'll have time to read. I can stay in bed for a full day reading and not feel guilty.
Goodnight sweet world. I'll be more optimistic tomorrow. Goodnight Reggy. I hope you had a good day and I look forward to snowman building. Goodnight Mom, I'll see you soon.
06 December 2005
End
I'm tired of watching the semester wind down. I'm ready for it to just end. I have a portfolio due on Tuesday and a final project due on Wednesday. I'm sure that I'll be working extra hours during finals week to have some money to occupy my time while I'm in Iowa. Buy books and finish some quilts.I feel like I'm just biding my time until I have to get on a plane and go to a place I hate, smile for a family who doesn't know me, and pretend that the scars don't exist.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not usually this negative. I should be thrilled to have so much free time. I guess I'm just having a bad day.
Gabe, I'm sorry that your ear is messed up but nothing iritates me more than repeating myself when I know you've heard me.
Moreover, no one listens to me Advanced Writing until the end of the semester when 20 people want me to read their submissions. I charge a reading fee to read anything outside of class. A bottle of wine for each piece which equals about a dollar a page.
Maybe I'll get a new tatoo while I'm in Iowa. That'll iritate my mom. I'm planning on piercing my eyebrow when I get back. Maybe I'll dye my hair black. That'll really get to her.
Okay I've had enough. I'm off to the band and chior concerts. Maybe the music will inspire me write volumes of poetry.
05 December 2005
Church and State
The phrase “separation of church and state” does not appear in the Constitution. The absence of this phrase does not mean that it is an invalid concept or that it cannot be used as a legal or judicial principle. The absence of these specific words does not mean that there is also an absence of the sentiment.
Courts have found that the principles behind the separation of church and state exist in the First Amendment, even if those words are not actually there: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” The point of this amendment is twofold. First, it ensures that religious beliefs – private or organized – are removed from attempted government control. Therefore, the government cannot dictate what you or any church what to believe or to teach. Second, it ensures that the government does not get involved with enforcing, mandating, or promoting particular religious doctrines. Hence, the government cannot establish a church or promote any particular church.
The argument that the Constitution is a Christian document and not a secular document is ridiculous. The Constitution does not embody the Ten Commandments in any way. The Constitution is, in fact, unusually secular for the time when it was written.
Now that the history of the separation of church and state is on the table, let’s move on. I will not use too much print to discuss First Timothy other than to say it was a letter written by
There are several more pressing issues facing the line drawn in the quick sand separating church and state than a Bible quote – such as the court battle over Intelligent Design and the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court.
Intelligent Design is a version of creationism that asserts life on earth is too complex to have evolved through natural selection and therefore must be the product of a “designer,” or an “intelligent force.” This theory is being promoted by Religious Right activists who have been unable to get creationism taught is public schools. School boards are starting to promote intelligent design in the classroom as a way to undermine evolution. Allow the public schools to teach scientific facts and allow churches to teach religious doctrine.
President George W. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Samuel A. Alito Jr. has a shady past regarding the spirit of the First Amendment. Alito also wrote a majority opinion in a case forcing a
If you want to use the newspaper as a soapbox to discuss the separation of church and state, then do so discussing the issues at hand, not something that was written two centuries ago. Furthermore, there are 34,000 separate Christian groups identified in the world. According to the latest census information there are roughly 265 million people in the
I resent the assumption that I am easily unified under any banner of faith. Moreover, many Christians would be shocked that a woman minister of the Catholic Church is in the same category with them. Many of those same Christians would conclude my participation in the Catholic Church an abomination of the Christian faith. Please do not lump me in with those 211 million others nor dictate to me how I should feel about certain issues. God loves free press. God gave us free will. Isn’t life great.
Perpectives
Damn you, Reggy!
I started reading the newspaper and I can't stop. I'm consumed.
I'm sure my readers will be happy that I'm back carrying a big stick. And, yes, I do have readers. I haven't written an editorial in close to a year and now I have 20 I want to write, including that fiasco with Focus on the Family and Wells Fargo.
I started reading the newspaper and I can't stop. I'm consumed.
I'm sure my readers will be happy that I'm back carrying a big stick. And, yes, I do have readers. I haven't written an editorial in close to a year and now I have 20 I want to write, including that fiasco with Focus on the Family and Wells Fargo.
Intensity
Mass was fun tonight. Father Steve got really confused and started saying things out of order and then looked at me like I had some idea where he mixed it up.
Friday we are taking a Christmas tree to the family we adopted. Susan expects me to play with the kids. I better have a few glasses of wine first. I'm an only child, I'm not that good with small children.
I wish my stomach was better. A week and a half ago I accidently ate some vinegar in a sauce. It burned the inside of my mouth, my esphogus and my stomach. It is getting better but at times I find myself running for the Alka-seltzer. Tonight, I guess the green beans put me over the top.
The Jeffs have gotten me to start watching the West Wing. I have the first season on DVD right now. I love this show; however, it is weird watching Martin Sheen as the president when my most vivid memory of Martin Sheen is from Apocalypse Now, when he gets hammered in the hotel room.
I do kinda wish I had a job like that. I miss having a high intensity job. Running from office to office shuffling papers, yelling at doctors, praying the tea stain will come out of suit, wondering if I should change into a pair of scrubs, holding hands with cancer patients, holding down a screaming child for a chest x-ray, explaining to an AIDS patient why our CT scanner is better for their health than the one at the hospital, explaining to a hockey superstar what the MRI will or won't show.
Friday we are taking a Christmas tree to the family we adopted. Susan expects me to play with the kids. I better have a few glasses of wine first. I'm an only child, I'm not that good with small children.
I wish my stomach was better. A week and a half ago I accidently ate some vinegar in a sauce. It burned the inside of my mouth, my esphogus and my stomach. It is getting better but at times I find myself running for the Alka-seltzer. Tonight, I guess the green beans put me over the top.
The Jeffs have gotten me to start watching the West Wing. I have the first season on DVD right now. I love this show; however, it is weird watching Martin Sheen as the president when my most vivid memory of Martin Sheen is from Apocalypse Now, when he gets hammered in the hotel room.
I do kinda wish I had a job like that. I miss having a high intensity job. Running from office to office shuffling papers, yelling at doctors, praying the tea stain will come out of suit, wondering if I should change into a pair of scrubs, holding hands with cancer patients, holding down a screaming child for a chest x-ray, explaining to an AIDS patient why our CT scanner is better for their health than the one at the hospital, explaining to a hockey superstar what the MRI will or won't show.
04 December 2005
Morning
Good morning sweet world. I slept from 10 until 8:30 this morning. 10.5 hours! I think that has to be some sort of record for me. Furthermore, the only reason I woke up was because I am hungry.
I had a good day yesterday. Woke up early, cleaned up my apt, chatted with Reggy (damned Wolf Creek Pass), went to lunch with Jeff Krieg and Terry. Hung out and watched movies until I went to bed.
I'm now getting daily emails from Mom about Christmas. I wonder if she has any idea how much I hate Iowa. The only good thing about this year, is that Mom has her own laptop that I can borrow without dealing with the wrath of my step-dad. Unfortunately, every one has dial-up connections. I just want to get some writing done. Plus it would be the perfect time to work on some magazine submissions.
The rest of my time will be spent listening to uncles complain about their lot in life, hear the latest rumors that Maytag is going to shut down, watch Grandpa die, and watch my hometown deteriorate.
But I have two weeks before I'm there and next weekend should be good if the weather cooperates. Now I must go and put plastic around my bedroom window.
I had a good day yesterday. Woke up early, cleaned up my apt, chatted with Reggy (damned Wolf Creek Pass), went to lunch with Jeff Krieg and Terry. Hung out and watched movies until I went to bed.
I'm now getting daily emails from Mom about Christmas. I wonder if she has any idea how much I hate Iowa. The only good thing about this year, is that Mom has her own laptop that I can borrow without dealing with the wrath of my step-dad. Unfortunately, every one has dial-up connections. I just want to get some writing done. Plus it would be the perfect time to work on some magazine submissions.
The rest of my time will be spent listening to uncles complain about their lot in life, hear the latest rumors that Maytag is going to shut down, watch Grandpa die, and watch my hometown deteriorate.
But I have two weeks before I'm there and next weekend should be good if the weather cooperates. Now I must go and put plastic around my bedroom window.
02 December 2005
Cold
"Let's go out. Come on Maggie! Come over. We're drinking and having a good time.""Its snowing and it is cold."
"You can walk over here."
"Its cold."
I don't want to miss out on the good time but ... It is cold. How am I going to get home? I'd rather stay home in my warm apartment and write. Damn it. Why are decisions so hard?
Friday
Good morning sweet world.I wish it would quit snowing. It was pretty the first day but now I'm tired of you. They could at least plow the sidewalks on campus.
I'm considering hermiting this weekend. Stay in my warm apartment and write. Mugs of warm tea, hours of Ryan Admas, Damien Rice, Sarah McLaughlin, Fiona Apple, Indigo Girls, and a new journal.
I want to finish Predator so I can start reading Forever Odd. I also want to reread To Kill a Mockingbird and maybe A Density of Souls.
I guess over break I'll be reading all my film books. Be ready for 390 next semester.
01 December 2005
Passion
25 million people in Africa now have HIV. 13 million children are orphans because their parents have dies from AIDS - and this figure is expected to double by the end of the decade.
Today - in the next 24 hours - 5,500 Africans will die of AIDS. Today in child birth 1,400 African mothers will pass on HIV to their newborns.
If this isn't an emergency, what is? In the Scriptures we are not advised to love our neighbor, we are commanded. The Church needs to lead the way here, not drag its heels. The government needs guidance. We discuss; we debate; we put our hands in our pockets. We are generous eve.
But, I tell you, God is not looking for alms; God is looking for action. He is not just looking for our loose change - he's looking for a tighter contract between us and our neighbor.
Should we distinguish between those who became victims because of sinful behaviour and those who were innocent victims? I believe that one of the reasons the Christian community has not taken a leading role in the fight against AIDS is this issue of judgement. We distinguish between the "innocent" victims, such as children infected or orphaned by their parents, and the "guilty" such as prostitues and the promiscuous. However, scripture makes it clear who has the right and the responsibility to judge: It is God, not us.
The book of James says, "Be doers fo the word, and not hearers only."
Yet, leading the fight against AIDS is not the Church but the homosexual community, Hollywood, Political liberals, the United Nations, secular humanitarian organizations and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
In 2001, a research group was commissioned to determine the willingness of the Christian community to get involved in fighting the AIDS pandemic. When evangelical Christians were asked whether they would be willing to donate money to help children orphaned by AIDS, only 7% answered that they definitely would. More than half said that they probably or definitely would NOT help. Evangelicals were even less likely to support education efforts to help prevent AIDS. Non-Christians were more inclined to help.
I'm not here to point fingers at evangelicals. My own church, the Catholic Church, hasn't earned any gold stars. Our current Pope skirts around the issue of condoms. The Church, which runs many hospitals in Sub-Saharan Africa opposes the use of condoms except in the rarest of circumstances because they are a form of contraception.
Today, as I sit here I could be denied communion because I handed out condoms and I will continue to do so.
10 years ago I lost my best firend, my husband, the man who showed me the face of God to AIDS. He engaged in pre-marital sex knowing the full wage of his sin. However, this small piece of latex could have saved his life. The argument that promoting condoms to fight the spread of AIDS fosters immoral and hedonistic lifestyles and behaviours seems a bit slippery slope to me.
If people choose to have sex, and many will, access to condoms and education is paramount. The church and Christians can no longer hide their heads in the sand. Ignorance and silence is the most prevasive forms of violence in today's society.
People may not want to listen to what I have to say; however, I'm compelled to speak. Love thy neighbor doesn't stop at the bedroom door. If you choose to have sex, please wear a condom.
Tonight as I sleep, 5,100 people worldwide will become infected with HIV.
35,000 Americans are infected with HIV but don't know it.
Every hour, two young Americans between ages 13 and 24 are infected with HIV.
These are the facts of our world no matter what theology you may or may not subscribe to.
Today - in the next 24 hours - 5,500 Africans will die of AIDS. Today in child birth 1,400 African mothers will pass on HIV to their newborns.
If this isn't an emergency, what is? In the Scriptures we are not advised to love our neighbor, we are commanded. The Church needs to lead the way here, not drag its heels. The government needs guidance. We discuss; we debate; we put our hands in our pockets. We are generous eve.
But, I tell you, God is not looking for alms; God is looking for action. He is not just looking for our loose change - he's looking for a tighter contract between us and our neighbor.
Should we distinguish between those who became victims because of sinful behaviour and those who were innocent victims? I believe that one of the reasons the Christian community has not taken a leading role in the fight against AIDS is this issue of judgement. We distinguish between the "innocent" victims, such as children infected or orphaned by their parents, and the "guilty" such as prostitues and the promiscuous. However, scripture makes it clear who has the right and the responsibility to judge: It is God, not us.
The book of James says, "Be doers fo the word, and not hearers only."
Yet, leading the fight against AIDS is not the Church but the homosexual community, Hollywood, Political liberals, the United Nations, secular humanitarian organizations and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
In 2001, a research group was commissioned to determine the willingness of the Christian community to get involved in fighting the AIDS pandemic. When evangelical Christians were asked whether they would be willing to donate money to help children orphaned by AIDS, only 7% answered that they definitely would. More than half said that they probably or definitely would NOT help. Evangelicals were even less likely to support education efforts to help prevent AIDS. Non-Christians were more inclined to help.
I'm not here to point fingers at evangelicals. My own church, the Catholic Church, hasn't earned any gold stars. Our current Pope skirts around the issue of condoms. The Church, which runs many hospitals in Sub-Saharan Africa opposes the use of condoms except in the rarest of circumstances because they are a form of contraception.
Today, as I sit here I could be denied communion because I handed out condoms and I will continue to do so.
10 years ago I lost my best firend, my husband, the man who showed me the face of God to AIDS. He engaged in pre-marital sex knowing the full wage of his sin. However, this small piece of latex could have saved his life. The argument that promoting condoms to fight the spread of AIDS fosters immoral and hedonistic lifestyles and behaviours seems a bit slippery slope to me.
If people choose to have sex, and many will, access to condoms and education is paramount. The church and Christians can no longer hide their heads in the sand. Ignorance and silence is the most prevasive forms of violence in today's society.
People may not want to listen to what I have to say; however, I'm compelled to speak. Love thy neighbor doesn't stop at the bedroom door. If you choose to have sex, please wear a condom.
Tonight as I sleep, 5,100 people worldwide will become infected with HIV.
35,000 Americans are infected with HIV but don't know it.
Every hour, two young Americans between ages 13 and 24 are infected with HIV.
These are the facts of our world no matter what theology you may or may not subscribe to.
World AIDS Day
I'm finally home for about 15 minutes. Change clothes, drink a glass of wine, answer emails, brush teeth, reapply deodorant, down some water and out the door I go. No time for dinner. I hope I will be compensated this evening.
Needless to say, but it has been a long day. Turned in my final capstone portfolio, put together a presentation for World AIDS Day for the College Union. I have to throw together a few notes for tonight's Theology Thursday. I don't remember agreeing to be the featured speaker but my name is on all the posters and in the newspaper. I'm sure I'll post my notes after the night is over. I hope I'm able to generate some good discussion, maybe change a few minds, maybe inspire someone.
I looked at Luke, Sean, and Corwin's films today. I'm glad they are agreeing to leave them as three seperate projects. After editing each has a different narrative arch and different feel. I hope each of those boys are proud of what they produced. I'm proud that Blackboard Productions will be associated with each of them.
I saw a bit of David's film, Migraine. My scene has been cut to a few seconds, but the makeup and costuming is priceless. I'll hopefully be setting meetings with the Police Department to start setting locations for Project ZF.
Started filling out my day timer for Spring Semester. Should be an interesting spring especially if I go to ACTF for my play.
Well, gotta run!
Boo- Where's my thirty questions? Hope you had a great day. Wish you could be here tonight.
Needless to say, but it has been a long day. Turned in my final capstone portfolio, put together a presentation for World AIDS Day for the College Union. I have to throw together a few notes for tonight's Theology Thursday. I don't remember agreeing to be the featured speaker but my name is on all the posters and in the newspaper. I'm sure I'll post my notes after the night is over. I hope I'm able to generate some good discussion, maybe change a few minds, maybe inspire someone.
I looked at Luke, Sean, and Corwin's films today. I'm glad they are agreeing to leave them as three seperate projects. After editing each has a different narrative arch and different feel. I hope each of those boys are proud of what they produced. I'm proud that Blackboard Productions will be associated with each of them.
I saw a bit of David's film, Migraine. My scene has been cut to a few seconds, but the makeup and costuming is priceless. I'll hopefully be setting meetings with the Police Department to start setting locations for Project ZF.
Started filling out my day timer for Spring Semester. Should be an interesting spring especially if I go to ACTF for my play.
Well, gotta run!
Boo- Where's my thirty questions? Hope you had a great day. Wish you could be here tonight.
Happy Bill King Day!
I woke up this morning and I was starving! Always a good sign after prolonged stomach problems but no one wants to be awake at 4 am. I got up, ate, and finished my Capstone.
Today is my last class day with Bill King. WAHOO! No more Professor Crawford.
Must go back to bed ...
Today is my last class day with Bill King. WAHOO! No more Professor Crawford.
Must go back to bed ...
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