Artistry

The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark, less sharp version of the truth. - Dean Koontz

Aislin wondered if her heart had run out of paint. Her flight, leaving the mountains headed for the land of corn, had been canceled four times. She wondered if it was a sign.

Aislin sat in her apartment, watching snow fall and drift, deciding that if her flight was canceled again she would not re-book. She would spend the holiday break in Colorado.

United

Another flight canceled! I was supposed to be in Des Moines last night at 10. It is 7am and I'm sitting in Gunnison having breakfast with Matt and Chenoa. I threw out all my food yesterday because I was supposed to be gone for two weeks.

I've missed two dentist appointments today. I hope I can still get my teeth done. My teeth are the whole reason I'm going back to Iowa.

It has been snowing here for the past 12 hours. I'm a little worried about getting off the ground this afternoon. But I am assured that the Airbus will take off and I'm flying first class the whole way. I plan to get off the plane in Des Moines drunk!

It is ironic. The last place I wanted to go was Iowa and now I can't get there.

I hope all my friends had safe travels this past weekend. I'll keep you updated. Mags

Packing

I'm currently packing my bags to leave tomorrow at 4:44pm to Iowa. This is not a trip I want to make. It is trip I fear every year. I don't know why I'm so terrified of returning home. My best guess is that I fear this trip will open all the scars I've worked so hard to heal. I love my life and don't want anything to jeoparidize it in any way. Open wounds threaten my stability. This is the first time in the past ten years that I can say that I'm stable and happy.

Last year on New Years Day I sat at the kitchen table in my mother's house and told her I wasn't coming back this year. I only went last year because I was told my grandfather was dying. I'm happy to say Fred Brown is in good health and still alive.

This year my mom concocted some tale about not feeling well and having trobles with her agoraphobia. She is the most manipulative woman I've ever met. I hope that her manipulation doesn't kill me.

9-11

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Jon Stewart

Music Stats

How many songs? 2912

Sort by artist
First artist: 10,000 Maniacs
Last artist: Zombie Nation

Sort by song title
First Song: #41 (Dave Matthews Band)
Last Song: Zoo Station (U2)

Sort by time
Shortest Song: Star Spangled Banner (U2) 0:43 seconds
Longest Song: Presto (Beethoven) 24:38 min.

Sort by album
First Album: 100 Years of Cinema
Last Album: Yourself or Someone Like You

First song that comes up on shuffle: River (Joni Mitchell)

Jail

I was able to secure the jail/exercise area for Quarantine despite the naysayers.

A police office and an attorney told me there was no way I would be able to use that space, let alone film in there.

WARNING: Don't ever tell me what I can't do! I will prove you wrong time after time.

We will be shooting this scene Saturday morning, February 11th at 7 or 8. We need to shoot this early because of lighting. Also only four people can go into the jail- Drew, Justin, Tory, and myself. Therefore, the makeup will have to be done at my house before we head over.

I've reduced the shooting schedule to one weekend. It will keep all of us in the groove and focused on the prize.

I meet with the Chief of Police tomorrow morning. I hope all goes well there. A lot hangs on his response.

Distillation

I recall
a distillation of you
I met at an
intersection of bodies,
an edgeless
twisting of limbs.

A kiss languishing
in fractured memory.

You held me down
and pushed boundaries.

You overwhelmed me -
embraced by safely,
touched by love.

Hell

Bretta dug the exacto knife out of her artist's case, replaced the dull blade she'd used to cut matboard, swabbed the new blade with rubbing alcohol and set it on the rim of the bath tub.

The smell akin to grandma's peach cobbler filled the air from the bubble bath foaming under the running tap. She stripped and stepped into the bubbles.

Iodine stained her right bicep as she scrubbed it raw. The knife glinting in her peripheral vision.

It had been three years since she'd given all her knifes and blades to a friend, a year since she'd drawn the iron across her hand several times, and three months since she'd declared herself broken of this destructive habit.

She grasped the blade in her left hand, because she was less likely to cut too deep with the weaker hand. She drew it down the curve of her muscle, watching red blossom to the surface. She dipped the blade in the steaming water and set it on the edge again.

Bretta welcomed the blessed sting as she slipped down into the water. The pain washed away pain. The sting washed away all self-loathing thoughts.

Bretta smiled - soothed and alive.

Friends - remember I do write fiction! I'm fine. No iodine, no blades.

Not a Poem - Fiction

A phone number written down
and deleted.
A flame reborn
and extinguished.
Hopes written down
in a lost journal.
Words cannot fill
broken promises.
Issues of proximity
magnified in silence.
A sullen girl draws
herself a shattered smile.

Blue Shirt

The blue Brooks Brothers shirt needed to go to the dry cleaners but she wore it anyway.

Aislin pulled on the shirt because she didn't want to go to work, because she wanted to be reminded of Quinn, and because everyone loved her in blue.

Contract Day wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it was going to be. She was saved from phone by the tedium of calculating revenue, deposit amount, and termination fees. Furthermore, she was able to do all this while hiding in her office, listening to Damien Rice, and drinking cups and cups of Mango tea. Vitamin B-12! Excellent for the sex drive, although her drive had never been the problem.

The calculator made Aislin smile. It was weird to think about the virtues of this small device, but it was the only thing providing definitive answers in her life. Isn't math wonderful?

Terrors

Aislin rubbed lotion into her dry, cracked hands and prepared for the keyboard. Last night her head had been filled with horrific visions. She hoped to recapture a few of them before they faded.

It had been several months since her last night terror. This morning's was bad. She blamed it on the heat.

Aislin turned up the heat a week ago in anticipation of Quinn's visit. However, the heat wasn't working properly and Quinn never made it. The heat had been mysteriously fixed over night and her room was a sauna.

It was no surprise the nightmares had come. It was shaping up to be a horrible week.

Quinn was supposed to be coming up this weekend, but she hadn't heard from him in several days. She knew he was busy with trials.

Aislin really wanted to see him, if only to quell her fears before hoping an airplane for the frozen land of corn. She longed to lay her head on his chest and stare into his blue eyes. She was afraid extenuating circumstances would blindside her plans again.

Yesterday, the nightmare scenario of finals week had come to pass. The computer crashed losing papers she'd been working on. She'd gotten an extension but still didn't feel like rewriting a 10 page screenplay from scratch.

Today was contract day at work. Aislin wasn't in the mood to be chipper with conference clients. She wanted to stay in bed drink mugs and mugs of Green Tea and read. But she needed the paycheck.

Good Night - Good Afternoon

I'm going back to bed after the worst morning ever!

6AM - wake up and shower
6:30 - start working on Advanced Writing Portfolio
7:15 - try to call Reggy (no luck)
8:45 - computer crashes and takes two documents with it
9:05 - computer starts up but no screenplay and no introduction
10:00 - Organize everything for my portfolio except the adaptation and introduction
10:15 - 12:00 - Stalk my professor
12:00 - leave long note explaining what happened and turn in Portfolio
1:00 Corwin blew his nose at the table while we were eatting lunch - thought I was going to vomit
1:50 Vomited

I also managed to break a filing thingy that hangs on my office wall, fall on the ice, bang my bad knee into a desk, ruin two pairs of tights, swear in front of one of my favourite professors, nearly ripped out a piercing.

I hope this means my week can only get exponentially better. I need a good week before I leave for Iowa.

I'm going to bed and reading Forever Odd. I may just stay there for the rest of the day to avoid any other complications.

Gathering

Aislin gathered herself for the coming week, going through her usual Sunday routine: trim the hair, manicure, and light facial.

She just wanted to go back to bed and sleep through the next month to wake up a week into the new semester. She knew her fear was worse than any of the events about to transpire here or in Iowa.

She thought about the new man in her life - tripidation palpable. One weekend ruined. Although the circumstances were beyond anyone's control, her disappointment was real and painful. She was left wondering if she should get her hopes up for next weekend. If her expectations weren't high, then disappointment wouldn't be such a bother.

She'd promised herself she wouldn't fear love and that she wouldn't push this one away. Aislin wanted to feel joy, to wait with baited breath, to anticipate amazing things, but life had robbed her of the long-term capacity of hopeful anticipation.

"You're being ridiculous," she said to her reflection in the mirror. "He doesn't want to hurt you."

She leaned close to the mirror searching for the green flecks he'd claimed to see. She laughed at how funny she must have looked, wanting to see what he saw.

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may..."

Countdown

The countdown until I land in Iowa:

• 1 Newman Christmas Party
• 1 Screenplay to write
• 1 Advanced Writing Portfolio
• 2 Graphic Design Projects
• 2 Pre-production meetings
• 3 days of work
• 1 visit from Reggy (fingers crossed)
• 10 (approx) emails from Mom telling how excited she is
• 1 Graduation party
• 2 suitcases to pack
• 2 connecting flights

Iowa To Do List:

• 1 Oral Surgery
• 2 teeth to replace
• 2 teeth to be over-hauled
• 1 General Surgery
• 2 days recovery
• 1 new piercing to explain
• 2 quilts that I must complete (a dozen I want to make)
• 1 appointment with a GI specialist
• 1 Holiday party I don't want to attend but I'm the guest of honor
• 3 weeks with little to no internet
• 1 cranky lawyer
• 1 dying grandparent
• 1 agoraphobic mother
  

Small World

It was kind of a surreal experience in Grand Junction today. I ran into my shrink in the Gap. I haven't been in therapy with Spencer for over a year, but I know he remembers all my little peccadilloes. But a year like the one I've had and no therapy. That felt good.

I had a good day shopping with Jeff. It kept my mind off other topics. It was also Ryan Adams appreciation night on the drive home.

I did acquire one small detail, an accessory if you will, that will annoy my mother.

My tummy is feeling better after last night's fireworks. I had a fabulous time vomiting the equivalent to hydrochloric acid at 3 in the morning. I just need to be better about taking these stupid pills and avoiding food that upsets my tummy which includes everything.

Friday Night and I just want to stay home...

Reggy will not be here this weekend. He got scheduled for a trial on Monday and needs to prep all weekend. I don't need to talk about how disappointed I am ... it's obvious. There's always next weekend. According to the National Weather System, it is supposed to remain clear through next week.

My mom's not doing any better. It is so hard when the roles are reversed. Child caring for parent. I don't know what to do for her. I feel really f*&^ing helpless.

We took a Christmas tree over to the family we adopted for Christmas. She's a single mom with four kids. Dad took off two years ago probably back to Mexico. I was in no mood to deal with young children. All I wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed. I'm so glad I went. She made us coffee and cookies. Watching those children light up at the college students bringing them a Christmas tree. Mom used to be a ballet dancer in New York before she got pregnant. Irish-Italian, she's a fighter and an amazing woman. I was honoured to be welcomed into her home. It is hard to feel sorry for myself when watching her smile over a mug of coffee, watch her children ask questions about my hair, to have her hug me with tears in her eyes. I will not suffer, I'm done crying this week.

I think still might stay in tonight and finish the Cornwell book. I'd really like to start Forever Odd before I leave for Iowa. I'd like to have something good to read for the flight.

Goodnight sweet world. Goodnight extenuating circumstances. Goodnight Reggy. Goodnight Mom, tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Morning Rant

Why do men feel the need to whistle along with a song on the radio? What is that?

I'm in the design lab trying to finish my final and all the guys in here are whistling to Steve Miller. It probably drives me insane because Dan ruined John Phillip Sousa for me by whistling it in the shower.

Good Morning sweet, cold world.

I should know around 3:00 this afternoon if Reggy is coming up. I really hope he can make it. It all depends if he has trial on Monday. Please no trial, Please no trial.

I just found out Speilberg's Munich was written by Tony Kushner. I had my doubts about seeing it earlier, now ... I'm in.

Paul's pissed that I didn't put my 92 page version in my Capstone. I was surprised by that. He felt I was cheating him as a reader.

Well, I have to shower and I'm off to the design lab.

At the Theatre

The reading of Catharsis went very well. Some of the lines killed me, but watching Joey and Larry walk on stage scares the crap out of me everytime.

For my next revision I am deleting Victor, the gay guy. He does little to increase the emotional arc and there are too many issues there. Victor deserves his own play.

Paul wants to see more of a resolution with Joey and Larry. I have to say that I agree. I'll have to work on that one later, though. I'm about to go home and face Larry. I promise you, there is no resolution between us. It hard to write about a situation you can't see yourself out of.

I felt bad for Joesph. I think we left him out and the only time I really talked with him was to discuss what changes he should make to his play.

I should know soon enough if Catharsis made it into ACTF. I'd like it to go, but at the same time I don't have time to go. Does ACTF have playwriting workshops at the conference?

Deconstruction

Why are we so prone to self-defeating behaviours and thoughts? Nothing good can happen without over-analysis or guilt. Or do these thoughts come from being a deconstructionist?

Glass of Wine?

Hooray! Just got home in time to watch Oprah! Uhhh... I think I'll watch Aeon Flux instead.

Considering the supremely crappy morning I had, I was really productive. I contacted a bunch of clients for Conference Services and worked on a few contracts. Scheduled a meeting with the Under-Sheriff and Captain of Detention regarding the use of the jail for Quarantine. I worked on my Advanced Writing portfolio and had a fabulous lunch with Jeff.

Would it be inappropriate to have a few glasses of wine before going to my play tonight? I don't think so.

I saw Luke's film, ICU, today. It looked really good in black and white. No more crazy colour temperatures.

We cut the music out of Sean's film which is funny because it was such a bitch writing the release and sending it back and forth to Michigan or Wisconsin. But I now have a boiler-plate music release if I ever need it again.

Matt Benson is confirmed as our assistant camera for both Spark and Quarantine. Wahoo! Tree will be assistant makeup. I'm thinking about using Susan Noble as my catering coordinator. Food is the one part of producing I don't want to have to deal with if I'm directing too. Shit, I just remembered I need to get ahold of someone to use Webster Hall for the big street scene.

I was also asked today to help plan a retirement party for Bobby Pike at the end of April. This ought to be fun. It was funny because all of us whipped out our day planners at the same time.

Reggy, I hope your shoulder feels better soon. I also hope you stop taking the percocet soon, it is a derivative of heroine. Yes, that's why you feel so funny. If the cleaners hadn't lost my cape I'd be down there tonight: cooking you dinner, tucking you into bed, and reading you the sports pages.

Christmas Wish list

I want a megaphone for Christmas. I need one for the set of Quartantine. However, I'd prefer one that isn't connected to an Ipod or strapped to a motorcycle helmet. But that would be funny.

I can't wait to explain to the Chief of Police that I want to shut down a city block to shoot a zombie film.

In Silence

Aislin curled into a ball at the bottom of the shower. Fiona Apple sang about men she'd done wrong and Aislin wept into her cupped hands.

She wept for the violation of her step-father. She wept for the man miles and miles away, who had no idea of the demons that danced daily in her soul. She wept for her mother.

She wept for the scars on her arms and her daily battle not to add more.

Today's early morning phone call from the abyss, nearly sent her over the edge. A mother scared and in need of her child's comfort. The mother that had taught her how to be a victim, how to weep in silence, how to cover the scars.

Children who suffer abuse cry in quite to avoid being beaten again, other children wail and bawl to recieve attention.

Aislin didn't want to cry today. She couldn't face the world with eyes blurred.

Good Day

Jeff got the job at Wells Fargo. Wahoo! I'm so happy he no longer works at Palisades.

Plus, I got Aeon Flux in the mail today. I've only been waiting for 3 weeks. It should have been here before Thanksgiving. Either way I now have it.

We had a pre-production meeting today. We are scheduled to shoot Spark the weekend of January 27-29. We are also shooting Project ZF, tenatively entitled Quartentine, February11-12 and 17-19.

I got an email confirmation today that ACTF recieved Catharsis. Plus I'm going up to Crested Butte tomorrow night to see a staged reading of it. I'm not nervous anymore. This will be the fourth staged reading. I do hope I get some good feedback afterwards.

Tomorrow I should be getting a knee brace. So if I fall walking across campus I won't tear my ACL.

My editorial came out today. It should be an interesting day tomorrow. All the fundamentalist Christians will be pissed at me. This should be a fun debate. It has been a few years since I've had my life threatened because of a newspaper article. Four years to be exact and that kid dropped out of school and joined the Army.

Optimism

The concert did quite a bit to cheer me up. Mozart's Symphony No. 25 was great except for the one violin that was tragically out of tune. Schubert's Mass in G Major was excellent. I wonder how many people know what they were singing. I spent most of the time translating the words. I even enjoyed the band, even though every warned me that they sucked. John Wacker is an entertaining conductor.

I'm a little irritated with my little sister. It seems such an imposition for her to hang out with her friends without making out with Drew and she wonders why we don't hang out that much anymore.

So, during the concert I challenged myself to come up with good things about going back to Iowa and not deeds that would annoy my mom. It will help me to break my addiction to the internet. It will also remind me why I am a political commentator. I spend much of my time fighting for ideals my family instilled in me, I need to be reminded why those are important. It will be lots of free time to write. I have so many pieces that need attention and many pieces that are ready for submission. I'll have time to read. I can stay in bed for a full day reading and not feel guilty.

Goodnight sweet world. I'll be more optimistic tomorrow. Goodnight Reggy. I hope you had a good day and I look forward to snowman building. Goodnight Mom, I'll see you soon.

End

I'm tired of watching the semester wind down. I'm ready for it to just end. I have a portfolio due on Tuesday and a final project due on Wednesday. I'm sure that I'll be working extra hours during finals week to have some money to occupy my time while I'm in Iowa. Buy books and finish some quilts.

I feel like I'm just biding my time until I have to get on a plane and go to a place I hate, smile for a family who doesn't know me, and pretend that the scars don't exist.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not usually this negative. I should be thrilled to have so much free time. I guess I'm just having a bad day.

Gabe, I'm sorry that your ear is messed up but nothing iritates me more than repeating myself when I know you've heard me.

Moreover, no one listens to me Advanced Writing until the end of the semester when 20 people want me to read their submissions. I charge a reading fee to read anything outside of class. A bottle of wine for each piece which equals about a dollar a page.

Maybe I'll get a new tatoo while I'm in Iowa. That'll iritate my mom. I'm planning on piercing my eyebrow when I get back. Maybe I'll dye my hair black. That'll really get to her.

Okay I've had enough. I'm off to the band and chior concerts. Maybe the music will inspire me write volumes of poetry.

Church and State

The phrase “separation of church and state” does not appear in the Constitution. The absence of this phrase does not mean that it is an invalid concept or that it cannot be used as a legal or judicial principle. The absence of these specific words does not mean that there is also an absence of the sentiment.

Courts have found that the principles behind the separation of church and state exist in the First Amendment, even if those words are not actually there: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” The point of this amendment is twofold. First, it ensures that religious beliefs – private or organized – are removed from attempted government control. Therefore, the government cannot dictate what you or any church what to believe or to teach. Second, it ensures that the government does not get involved with enforcing, mandating, or promoting particular religious doctrines. Hence, the government cannot establish a church or promote any particular church.

The argument that the Constitution is a Christian document and not a secular document is ridiculous. The Constitution does not embody the Ten Commandments in any way. The Constitution is, in fact, unusually secular for the time when it was written.

Now that the history of the separation of church and state is on the table, let’s move on. I will not use too much print to discuss First Timothy other than to say it was a letter written by Saint Paul instructing his friend how to care for his church at Ephesus. Best estimates claim this letter was written 30 to 60 years after the crucifixion of Christ. It was a letter written in response to problems Timothy was experiencing. Paul was offering solutions rather than dictates from God. It seems ludicrous that a debate about the First Amendment should focus on a short passage from the Bible. Women are now guaranteed the inalienable rights – nineteenth amendment, affirmative action, equal opportunities and employers, Roe v. Wade.

There are several more pressing issues facing the line drawn in the quick sand separating church and state than a Bible quote – such as the court battle over Intelligent Design and the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court.

Intelligent Design is a version of creationism that asserts life on earth is too complex to have evolved through natural selection and therefore must be the product of a “designer,” or an “intelligent force.” This theory is being promoted by Religious Right activists who have been unable to get creationism taught is public schools. School boards are starting to promote intelligent design in the classroom as a way to undermine evolution. Allow the public schools to teach scientific facts and allow churches to teach religious doctrine.

President George W. Bush’s Supreme Court nominee Samuel A. Alito Jr. has a shady past regarding the spirit of the First Amendment. Alito also wrote a majority opinion in a case forcing a New Jersey public school district to allow Child Evangelism Fellowship to use school resources to disseminate religious material to students. The judge also joined a dissenting opinion in a case that invalidated a public policy permitting students to vote on whether to have prayer at graduation ceremonies. Furthermore, Alito maintained that he believed “very strongly in limited government, federalism, free enterprise, the supremacy of the elected branches of government … and the legitimacy of a government role in protecting traditional values.” I don’t care if you are an atheist, a Christian, Jewish or Budhist, this is not someone I want interpreting the Constitution in the highest court.

If you want to use the newspaper as a soapbox to discuss the separation of church and state, then do so discussing the issues at hand, not something that was written two centuries ago. Furthermore, there are 34,000 separate Christian groups identified in the world. According to the latest census information there are roughly 265 million people in the United States, 79.8 % of which are Christian; therefore, there are an estimated 211 million Christians in the United States. I assert, then, there are probably 211 million different ways to read the Bible and 211 million different ways to worship God in the United States.

I resent the assumption that I am easily unified under any banner of faith. Moreover, many Christians would be shocked that a woman minister of the Catholic Church is in the same category with them. Many of those same Christians would conclude my participation in the Catholic Church an abomination of the Christian faith. Please do not lump me in with those 211 million others nor dictate to me how I should feel about certain issues. God loves free press. God gave us free will. Isn’t life great.

Perpectives

Damn you, Reggy!

I started reading the newspaper and I can't stop. I'm consumed.

I'm sure my readers will be happy that I'm back carrying a big stick. And, yes, I do have readers. I haven't written an editorial in close to a year and now I have 20 I want to write, including that fiasco with Focus on the Family and Wells Fargo.

Intensity

Mass was fun tonight. Father Steve got really confused and started saying things out of order and then looked at me like I had some idea where he mixed it up.

Friday we are taking a Christmas tree to the family we adopted. Susan expects me to play with the kids. I better have a few glasses of wine first. I'm an only child, I'm not that good with small children.

I wish my stomach was better. A week and a half ago I accidently ate some vinegar in a sauce. It burned the inside of my mouth, my esphogus and my stomach. It is getting better but at times I find myself running for the Alka-seltzer. Tonight, I guess the green beans put me over the top.

The Jeffs have gotten me to start watching the West Wing. I have the first season on DVD right now. I love this show; however, it is weird watching Martin Sheen as the president when my most vivid memory of Martin Sheen is from Apocalypse Now, when he gets hammered in the hotel room.

I do kinda wish I had a job like that. I miss having a high intensity job. Running from office to office shuffling papers, yelling at doctors, praying the tea stain will come out of suit, wondering if I should change into a pair of scrubs, holding hands with cancer patients, holding down a screaming child for a chest x-ray, explaining to an AIDS patient why our CT scanner is better for their health than the one at the hospital, explaining to a hockey superstar what the MRI will or won't show.

Morning

Good morning sweet world. I slept from 10 until 8:30 this morning. 10.5 hours! I think that has to be some sort of record for me. Furthermore, the only reason I woke up was because I am hungry.

I had a good day yesterday. Woke up early, cleaned up my apt, chatted with Reggy (damned Wolf Creek Pass), went to lunch with Jeff Krieg and Terry. Hung out and watched movies until I went to bed.

I'm now getting daily emails from Mom about Christmas. I wonder if she has any idea how much I hate Iowa. The only good thing about this year, is that Mom has her own laptop that I can borrow without dealing with the wrath of my step-dad. Unfortunately, every one has dial-up connections. I just want to get some writing done. Plus it would be the perfect time to work on some magazine submissions.

The rest of my time will be spent listening to uncles complain about their lot in life, hear the latest rumors that Maytag is going to shut down, watch Grandpa die, and watch my hometown deteriorate.

But I have two weeks before I'm there and next weekend should be good if the weather cooperates. Now I must go and put plastic around my bedroom window.

Cold

"Let's go out. Come on Maggie! Come over. We're drinking and having a good time."

"Its snowing and it is cold."

"You can walk over here."

"Its cold."

I don't want to miss out on the good time but ... It is cold. How am I going to get home? I'd rather stay home in my warm apartment and write. Damn it. Why are decisions so hard?

Friday

Good morning sweet world.

I wish it would quit snowing. It was pretty the first day but now I'm tired of you. They could at least plow the sidewalks on campus.

I'm considering hermiting this weekend. Stay in my warm apartment and write. Mugs of warm tea, hours of Ryan Admas, Damien Rice, Sarah McLaughlin, Fiona Apple, Indigo Girls, and a new journal.

I want to finish Predator so I can start reading Forever Odd. I also want to reread To Kill a Mockingbird and maybe A Density of Souls.

I guess over break I'll be reading all my film books. Be ready for 390 next semester.

Wahoo! My blog is fully archived. All other blogs have been deleted - all 10 of them.

Passion

25 million people in Africa now have HIV. 13 million children are orphans because their parents have dies from AIDS - and this figure is expected to double by the end of the decade.

Today - in the next 24 hours - 5,500 Africans will die of AIDS. Today in child birth 1,400 African mothers will pass on HIV to their newborns.

If this isn't an emergency, what is? In the Scriptures we are not advised to love our neighbor, we are commanded. The Church needs to lead the way here, not drag its heels. The government needs guidance. We discuss; we debate; we put our hands in our pockets. We are generous eve.

But, I tell you, God is not looking for alms; God is looking for action. He is not just looking for our loose change - he's looking for a tighter contract between us and our neighbor.

Should we distinguish between those who became victims because of sinful behaviour and those who were innocent victims? I believe that one of the reasons the Christian community has not taken a leading role in the fight against AIDS is this issue of judgement. We distinguish between the "innocent" victims, such as children infected or orphaned by their parents, and the "guilty" such as prostitues and the promiscuous. However, scripture makes it clear who has the right and the responsibility to judge: It is God, not us.

The book of James says, "Be doers fo the word, and not hearers only."

Yet, leading the fight against AIDS is not the Church but the homosexual community, Hollywood, Political liberals, the United Nations, secular humanitarian organizations and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

In 2001, a research group was commissioned to determine the willingness of the Christian community to get involved in fighting the AIDS pandemic. When evangelical Christians were asked whether they would be willing to donate money to help children orphaned by AIDS, only 7% answered that they definitely would. More than half said that they probably or definitely would NOT help. Evangelicals were even less likely to support education efforts to help prevent AIDS. Non-Christians were more inclined to help.

I'm not here to point fingers at evangelicals. My own church, the Catholic Church, hasn't earned any gold stars. Our current Pope skirts around the issue of condoms. The Church, which runs many hospitals in Sub-Saharan Africa opposes the use of condoms except in the rarest of circumstances because they are a form of contraception.

Today, as I sit here I could be denied communion because I handed out condoms and I will continue to do so.

10 years ago I lost my best firend, my husband, the man who showed me the face of God to AIDS. He engaged in pre-marital sex knowing the full wage of his sin. However, this small piece of latex could have saved his life. The argument that promoting condoms to fight the spread of AIDS fosters immoral and hedonistic lifestyles and behaviours seems a bit slippery slope to me.

If people choose to have sex, and many will, access to condoms and education is paramount. The church and Christians can no longer hide their heads in the sand. Ignorance and silence is the most prevasive forms of violence in today's society.

People may not want to listen to what I have to say; however, I'm compelled to speak. Love thy neighbor doesn't stop at the bedroom door. If you choose to have sex, please wear a condom.

Tonight as I sleep, 5,100 people worldwide will become infected with HIV.

35,000 Americans are infected with HIV but don't know it.

Every hour, two young Americans between ages 13 and 24 are infected with HIV.

These are the facts of our world no matter what theology you may or may not subscribe to.

World AIDS Day

I'm finally home for about 15 minutes. Change clothes, drink a glass of wine, answer emails, brush teeth, reapply deodorant, down some water and out the door I go. No time for dinner. I hope I will be compensated this evening.

Needless to say, but it has been a long day. Turned in my final capstone portfolio, put together a presentation for World AIDS Day for the College Union. I have to throw together a few notes for tonight's Theology Thursday. I don't remember agreeing to be the featured speaker but my name is on all the posters and in the newspaper. I'm sure I'll post my notes after the night is over. I hope I'm able to generate some good discussion, maybe change a few minds, maybe inspire someone.

I looked at Luke, Sean, and Corwin's films today. I'm glad they are agreeing to leave them as three seperate projects. After editing each has a different narrative arch and different feel. I hope each of those boys are proud of what they produced. I'm proud that Blackboard Productions will be associated with each of them.

I saw a bit of David's film, Migraine. My scene has been cut to a few seconds, but the makeup and costuming is priceless. I'll hopefully be setting meetings with the Police Department to start setting locations for Project ZF.

Started filling out my day timer for Spring Semester. Should be an interesting spring especially if I go to ACTF for my play.

Well, gotta run!

Boo- Where's my thirty questions? Hope you had a great day. Wish you could be here tonight.

Happy Bill King Day!

I woke up this morning and I was starving! Always a good sign after prolonged stomach problems but no one wants to be awake at 4 am. I got up, ate, and finished my Capstone.

Today is my last class day with Bill King. WAHOO! No more Professor Crawford.

Must go back to bed ...

Flight

Bought my plane ticket to Iowa! I will be in the land of corn from December 18th through January 5th.

I'm getting new teeth and the ticket was only $250.

Day Timer

I went to the Paper Clip today and bought a Day Timer/Planner thingy. I feel like such an adult. But, I have to agree with Reggy on this one. I need a day timer. Especially with shooting two films next semester.

You wouldn't believe what a task it is to pick these things out. I have to buy one I'll use: big enought for me to write in yet light enough to fit in my briefcase, fashionable, functional. There's so many options.

My tummy has finally settled down. I've been able to eat regularly today. No coffee or tomatoes, but I'm used to that restriction.

Tomorrow is World AIDS Day. I'm meeting some friends in the union to make ribbons and prepare the info table. I also need to brush up on some of my facts for my featured speaker gig tomorrow. I know that I know it... but I want to be prepared.

Got all the web work done today. Pathfinder Online goes live on Monday. I'll add the link that day.

Scott from Crested Butte has called three times today. I hope he gets the point soon. But, I should have learned that CB boys aren't very bright. They don't pick up on subtle hints. Saying, "I'm unavailable," doesn't seem to be obvious enough for them. That damned red hair keeps getting me in trouble.

Wahoo! Going for sushi tonight.

Dear Chicago

Jeff called tonight to have me proofread a piece. I'll willingly proof it for him just to hear his voice and rub it in that it is snowing here.

I miss that kid. It is hard to imagine my college career without him.

The snow is so beautiful. Normally we'd be outside watching it fall, drift, and dance to earth.

Damn, I need to go to bed.

Tummy Troubles

I hate my stomach! I have an appointment on Friday to get another f&^king tube stuck down my throat. This ought to be fun when I warn el doctor about my gag reflex, he promptly ignores me, and I puke all over him. This will be fun!

Same diagnosis as ever: take these pills every morning before you eat, don't take Pepto even though it is the only thing that works, avoid stress (like hell), don't drink, no tomatoes, no dairy, you need to sleep but any sleep aide I could give you will upset your stomach.

Why didn't I got to medical school? I'd be really good at this.

But on a lighter note, I have been sleeping. I've only had to take one sleeping pill in the last two weeks. The best pill for any sleep disorder - contentment.

As the day rolls on ...

Looked at Luke, Sean, and Corwin's films today. My only concern is pacing. Each one of them seems to drag in many points; however, I think Edit still drags in points. Otherwise, I'm pleased with the product.

I know that I should stay at home a work on my finals but I really want to go out tonight. Should I be a responsible adult and get my work done? Or should I allow myself to enjoy time with my friends? I'll probably hang out at home long enough to put on my pajamas and not want to go out. Furthermore, I'm supposed to have sushi with the twins tomorrow.

The new Dean Koontz came out today. WAHOO! I hope it is better than Velocity. I was not impressed by that book at all. But Forever Odd is a sequel to Odd Thomas and I really liked the characters in Odd Thomas. I can't wait but I have to finish Predator by Patricia Cornwell first. I'm also trying to decide which books I want to read over break.

I need to stay home tonight to prepare for Thursday's activities. World AIDS Day. I'm helping do a display in the college union and I'm the featured speaker at Theology Thursday at Palisades. I need to prepare my remarks and how I'm going to present. I wonder how many people will be there. Knowing my luck, it will be packed. It's not that I'm afraid of public speaking but when it is a topic close to my heart I can get emotional. Enough people have seen me cry this past week.

Talked to Kim today about the production of Catharsis in Crested Butte on the 8th. She's reading the script today. I'm not exactly sure what to expect of all this. I think it will be a talk back session where I can get feedback from audience members. The writing is slightly personal so I hope the questions aren't too pointed.

Alright, time to get to work.

Hey Jeff!

Remember that part in Density of Souls, when Jeff thinks Stephen has ripped his stomach open? I think Boo has done the same to me. My stomach has never been worse. All I can do is drink Boost and pray I keep it down.

On the brighter side, I may have a ride to Durango this weekend.

Writing

Three years ago in Writing for Stage and Screen, I wrote this character named Marc. He was the cheerleader for the main character who was a version of myself. Six months later I met Jeff - my Marc.

I've written about a jazz musician and met him three weeks later.

A month ago, I wrote a character by the name of Drew. A dashing young lawyer that sweeps Aislin off her feet by taking her dancing. This week I met my Drew in Reggy. He spent an hour discussing the dance clubs he's going to take me to in Durango.

I asked Nate if he'd ever experienced this sort of phenomenon. He said that writing is a form of prayer and meditation; thus, it is no surprise that these things come true.

I think I need to finish writing Antiphon with a spectacular romantic ending.

Crystalized

You need to write more lists. Your life is chaos. You wander around the grocery store, returning to the same aisle four times. You need a dayplanner or PDA. You're addicted to your computer. Your books should be organized by genre and author. Why do you need so many pairs of shoes? You should layout your outfits for the upcoming week. You don't wake up at the same time everyday?

I'm falling for you, but don't push too hard.

DUI

The best DUI arrest. This has to be a joke!

http://www.bestwebatlanta.com/humor/humor_dui_stop_of_champion_dancer.shtml

Wahoo

Reggy will be here tomorrow night!

spreading the love

I got to spread the Donnie Darko love this week. I lent out my copy to three different people and they all came back for the director's cut. Which I won't lend out until you fully understand the theatrical release. The director's cut over-explains.

Swilling Forget

You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn't much matter 'cos we got billions more. And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big. And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all. That'ok, that's ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart. And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.

What I wouldn't give for a drink.

Oh Vladimir

I've had a new friend remind me of how beautiful the opening paragraph to Lolita is.

If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I want to construct one paragraph this brilliant. Just one! But then again, "you can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style."

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap , at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta."

Dear God!

This insomnia has to go. I have to be up in five hours. I can't even take a sleeping pill now it is too late.

I'm going to pull my hair out if this does not stop. I've tried everything. I've read, I had a hot bath, I've listened to The Cure's Wish album twice. Nothing is working these past few nights.

Maybe I'm supposed to be writing about something, but I feel so brain dead I don't know if I can write.

Bottled Hope

Paul: Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

Beautiful Girls

Night dreaming

Sitting here, listening to Ryan Adams' Shadowlands and dreaming of my date with Reggy. I don't normally get this excited about meeting anyone.

But look at Tyler loving his dad! Who wouldn't be excited meeting him?

He's trying to cancel his plans for Thanksgiving to come down here. Otherwise I won't see him until Sunday night. I can't wait.

Help

Can someone please tell me what's wrong with me?

Insomnia is in hyper-drive, my stomach just won't quit, my dyslexia is the worst it has been since I came to school, my hands shake like I'm on steroids.

Is this what it feels like to be nervous? Maybe Reggy?

Was it my birthday? I'm happy for the first time in years. It can't be guilt.

Insomnia

This is the worst my insomnia has been in years. I don't understand. Things are going so well. I just want to sleep.

It is clean sheet day! I live for clean sheet day.

I guess it is the old fall back - Tylenol PM and spinning a Cure album. Damn it! I haven't had to take a sleeping pill for three months.

Nine Years

Brian Wood, "MON DERNIER JOUR AVEC TOI"

Juan- I had to lift this image from you. It was too fitting for today.

28

Sitting here icing my knee. I was a stuborn idiot that had to wear heels last night.

I went to see the rest of Polaroid Stories last night. I really enjoyed the show. It is the kind of show that colleges need to be doing. Monty blew me away! The scene where he's eatting an orange was awesome.

Had a great conversation with Nick last night. Talking about depression and psychotropic drugs. He's just as opposed as I am.

Tonight I'm going to Montrose to see Harry Potter. I'm excited to see it, but not as excited as Jeff.

Three more days until Aeon Flux is released on DVD. I'm looking forward to that! I hope Brad got it for me.

I'm realizing more and more how much I adore the Foo Twins. I had many moments with both Kara and Cally.

Birthday Eve

Went out for dinner with Jeff K. last night. I was actually good. He didn't really bitch too much about Polaroid Stories and admitted that he started seeing someone in Denver. I am happy for him. Maybe this new girl will bring him some happiness. He ordered us a bottle of champaigne for my birthday and completeing my Capstone but I really wasn't in the mood to drink.

Tonight is the big night! Go to Polaroid Stories and then to my birthday party. I will not drink too much, I will not drink too much, I will not drink too much. My mouth has a habit of getting away from me when I've been drinking especially on my birthday. I will not allow this to happen tonight.

I have lunch with the boss today. It should be fun.

Good morning sweet world. I look forward to seeing what you have to offer me today. Love, Mags

I ROCK!

Finished my Capstone today.

The presentation went well. Zelda stayed awake the whole time, I must have been compelling.

Mark pulled me aside afterwards and told me I'd done a good job.

I was worried about the questions the readers would ask; however, they stuck the creative writing side of things. Authors that have influenced me, my writing process, how I can write about such personal things, what it is like working with Justin.

I'd be curious to talk to Paul Edwards about his reaction.

Wow, my senior year is about done.

The Countdown

Three hours until my Capstone.

Updates

Amber emailed me last night. I was super stoked about that. I haven't heard from her since graduation.

Shit, I just remembered that I was going to take storyboard pics today and I forgot to get the camera from Sean.

I really just want to crawl into bed and read Walking Dead but I left it in Jeff's car.

What a day!

I finished working on my Capstone Power Point presentation. Bill Gates, we need to talk. Writers do not need to be subjected to using this evil program. It is for weak ass business people who can't put together a presentation without a map and a flashlight.

Bought a bottle of Riesling for after my Capstone. I can't wait. Plus I have a new blazer to wear. Wahoo!

2 days until Capstone
3 days until the Party
4 days until I'm 28.

Goodnight sweet world. Goodnight little sister, I'm glad we talked.

Good Morning

Why am I up this bloody early? I'm not sick, I'm not depressed. Why am I awake?

People fail, not love. I have to have faith in love because what else is there? Strip away all of our bravado and games and that's all we have left ... Love.

I gotta go back to bed I'm waxing too philosophical.

Too much

Liam called tonight. I think he's gotten over our last blow out. I just hope he's not expecting anything from me over Christmas break. It would be interesting if Liam and Jeff Carroll met. Jeff's coming to Iowa! I can't wait to see Jeff in the land of corn and hogs. Both of them are so jealous and moody. They'd end up bitch slapping each other, which could be fun to see.

Capstone on Thursday. I need to work on the power point. What the hell does power point have to do with creative writing?

Polaroid Stories and Party on Friday. I really can't drink that much. The last few times I've gone out, I've been out of control. I want to have a good time, hang out with friends, and remember it the next day.

Birthday on Saturday. I don't feel like I'm about to be 28. I don't feel much over 23 or 24. But when you look back on my life - you'd think I was 35-40.

Here's to sucking all the marrow out of life.

Dear Chicago: I miss you!

Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said "that's impossible to do."
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted (bad / back)
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.

The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurt's me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.

Jeff - I missed you today. I wish we were driving in your car. smoking camels and listening to Ryan Adams.

Zombie Update

We will be shooting Project ZF with Tory's camera at 24 frames, which is how we shot Edit. We will also need to mask the camera to shoot it in widescreen.

I don't need to buy a slate or headphones.

We are meeting with the police department a week from tomorrow to discuss the use of police and police gear and also shutting down a block on a Sunday morning to shoot the walking scene. We will also be meeting with the Under Sheriff to talk about using the jail.

Now is the time to start planning out a schedule. The script is done and everyone is happy with it.

Wow! This thing is actually going to happen.

Things I've Learned

I learned alot this weekend during filming:

1. Actors are irresponsible
2. Always have an understudy
3. You must be able to trust your crew
4. Your crew needs to know what your vision is so they can be trusted
5. Do not mirco-manage as a director
6. Pick actors that can develop a character
7. Do not repremand a crew member in front of actors
8. Match-action = editing hell
9. Show a script to as little people as possible
10. Rehearse with actors before the day of the shoot
11. Be kind to the sound guy
12. Only change shudder speeds for specific reasons - fight scenes, flying dust
13. Work with people who respect you and vise versa
14. I miss working with Tory
15. Most people don't realize when they are fucking with your career
16. Allow the cast and crew to have fun between shots
17. Pick a DP that kicks ass and allow him/her to do so
    

Greed

It is hard to tell how filming went without seeing the footage. My concern lies with the editing. I'm sure we got several good shots, but jumping between two or three different shudder speeds could be problematic.

It was also hard when actors came to me with questions because I couldn't answer them - only Corwin. The slap looked really good. I was happy with all the performances.

I hate filming just because it takes so much out of me. I am fucking exhausted. I can't wait for bed.

Fast Car

U2 download

Gabe, have you ever heard this song?

Filming

We start filming Greed today at 11. I'm a little nervous because the script is partially mine and I'm not sure where Corwin is going with it.

Of all the directors I've worked with Corwin talks to me the least. This bothers me because it is my job to help him in anything he needs. Now that he's not talking to me, I'll be more hesitant to mention things during the shoot. The filming shouldn't be too complicated. I'm just ready to have these films done so I can concentrate on Project ZF and on Spark.

I'm hoping the boys start showing me footage before Thanksgiving.

Hatred

I just found out that one of my friends - or I thought she was my friend - hates me. She thinks I'm psycho and has no problem telling people this bit of opinion.

I can't remember any time that I was mean or insincere with her. I've always had a lot of respect for her and I was going to ask her to help on the Zombie Film for costuming. Not anymore. I don't want to work with someone that has such a low opinion of me. I want people who support me and my vision.

I know she's seen me drunk but this is ridiculous. I can't imagine her smack talking helped in my last failed relationship.

I will continue to support her efforts in the Theatre department; however, I will limit my social contact with her.

It's not Janet.

Project ZF

Had breakfast with Justin this morning. We talked about the Zombie film. I'm alittle worried about how big the scope is. Have to talk to the mayor about shutting down the block off the park downtown. Talk to the police about having two officers involved. Need to find out if the police even have riot gear. Need to decide if I'm shooting on 16mm or shooting digital in widescreen. Need to find 75 extras and have each of them sign performer releases. Location agreements, buy new headphones, buy a clapper ...

Shit. And people wonder why I'm doing preproduction now.

Zombie Update

Over Thanksgiving break I will write the script, complete the storyboards and work with Tory on the camera tacticles. I need a title other than Viral.

Last night, Sean Campbell agreed to be my assistant director. I think this is a good move. I know Sean can be mean to me and keep me on time. I just hope he has the time to do it.



My crew thus far:

Writer, Director, Producer - me
Director of Photography - Justin
Camera - Torrance
Assistant Camera - Matt Benson
Assistant Director - Sean
Makeup - Luke
Lead Zombie - Drew
Gaffers - Kerr Twins

My last film project at Western State College!

Zombies

I want this tee!

I heart shooting zombies!

House

I wandered around the drafty house needing something to occupy my mind. Unlike the luxurious bedroom, the rest of the house was sparsely furnished. After years of moving around, I hadn’t accumulated many belongings and was tentative to buy anything new: I wanted little to chain me down.

I rambled through the house obsessively setting things right: a crooked picture on the wall, a couch that wasn’t perfectly parallel with the picture window, and the computer monitor that was tilted at an odd angle. I gazed at the pictures that lined the modest mantle. Each one told a different story of my life in order: picture of a miniature me playing with my grandfather, my toothless grin in third grade, David and me at Freshman Homecoming, high school graduation, wedding pictures, an unhappy picture of me at college, grad school graduation, and a Polaroid of me getting the keys to this house. The only things missing from this timeline of photos was Jonas’s funeral and mom’s headstone.

As if under a wizard’s spell, I dug the dusty suitcases out from under the bed and began to fill them. I hadn’t used the suitcases since I moved to this mountain valley two years before. If I traveled, I required only an overnight bag or a camping backpack. I was unaware I was packing until I was nearly done with the task; I wondered if it was the lingering effects of the sleeping pills. The suitcases were happy to receive sweaters, jeans, and the like. Packing for winter in Iowa was no light task.

Albert silently padded after me all through the house. My watch dog although I think the only thing he watched was me. Albert provided me with the companionship and comfort I was unable to get from people. Silently, we were better able to communicate than most of my friends.

The house moaned and sighed, resigned to release me to the outside world for a few days. Ever since I was little girl I’d assigned human characteristics to everything I came in contact with: houses, dogs, trees, toasters. I believed everything had a way to communicate if only we were able to slow down enough and be silent within our souls to listen. I found this to be the only way to understand the world around me as my life had proved infinitely mysterious and incomprehensible. I listened to the house wondering what it was thinking and saying. It moaned and swayed in the wind asking me why I had to go. Yet, Iowa beckoned. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it pulled me like moth drawn to a flame, and I knew I’d get burned.

Scars

After a long shower, I stood staring at myself in the mirror. The black dress was a perfect fit but without sleeves it revealed too much. The white scars that ran from wrist to elbow looked as though someone had tried to stuff my arm into a paper shredder, failed, and haphazardly glued the pieces back together. The cuts done to quell the pain swelling inside were meant to silence my head and not to silence me entirely.

I hated these scars yet I knew all of them stemmed from the memories contained in this one bit of Iowa landscape - a landscape etched in my every movement. Newton, Iowa. My hometown. I became bitter just at the sound of it crossing someone’s tongue. Newton originally meant “new town.” I’d always wondered what clever fool thought of this name. I fled Newton the first chance I could and had not looked back over my shoulder. Little good came from Newton aside from Maytag. Other than washing machines and dishwashers Newton bred nothing but drug addiction, sexual frustration, and contempt.

Polaroid Stories

Polaroid Stories was cool from what I saw. I didn't want to watch the second act just yet. I'm going to see it on the 18th for my birthday.

I don't see why Jeff was so pissed about not being cast. That kid has never been poor a day in his life. He's also homophobic enough that the role would have been completely unbelieveable. Elizabeth did a great job with that role and I understand Karin's casting now more than ever.

I was impressed with Heather. When she was yelling at Monte about where her stuff is, I felt like I was in that moment with her.

Lee played the character that he knows - too cool for school guy with all the connections.

Betsy's role was pretty cool, I'm hoping it gets developed more in the second act. Her voice inflection works beauitfully.

Jon was awesome. I forget that he can sing. I hoping he didn't get hurt last night when he hit the platform. It looked painful.

Sleep

I stepped into the downstairs bathroom, downed two Tylenol PM with a glass of Alka-Seltzer, and brushed my teeth. Years of insomnia led to a slight dependency on sleep aids. The average person can fall asleep in 15 minutes or less; on a good night I can find slumber after about two hours.

Albert watching, I crawled into bed, settled in, and whispered his name. On cue, he bounded into bed and curled up next to my back. I designed the space myself. The queen-size bed was elevated above the rest of the furniture. Decked out in deep purple and sky blue velvet the bed faced a large bank of windows. I intended the space to be the ultimate in comfort to entice the sandman.

Sleep had never been a good friend. I would put it off as long as possible only to give in willing and take as much as possible. I often felt like I’m about to drop to the floor and die yet I do not wish to sleep.

Each night before I turn out the bedside light, I try to think of all the daily happenings that I should be thankful for. This night I was very pleased with my day. I’d relaxed in the last of the autumn’s afternoons. I’d prepared the flower beds and other plants for the long winter ahead. I relished the sunburn that blushed my cheeks: a warm kiss from God.

For the first time in my life I had placed a telephone in my bedroom. I felt I was finally safe from tragic midnight phone calls. The phone rang now. Sad and low it chirped at me. I switched on the bedside lamp illuminating the space. Looking at the clock, I knew any news between the witching hour and dawn could not be good news.

I learned this fact early. Mom worked graveyard at the hospital. Some mornings she would come home with a vacant look, reeking of cigarettes, and I knew something had gone wrong. I dreaded those mornings because of the damage they did to my mother’s psyche; however, I loved those mornings because I could glimpse her frailty. That was the only time in my life I’d seen her with her guard down.

The phone chirped again. Why had I put that Goddamn phone in here? What could have happened now? Hadn’t I suffered every imaginable tragedy?

I just realized this may be my last winter in Colorado. I've spent much of my life as a nomad but I've lived within this beautiful state for almost nine years. It feels like home.

At the same time, I can't wait to leave. I create a pit of pain and leave. It is now time to move on.

It is time to create someone new. Redefine myself in a new place, a new time.

Dead Alive

This movie was soooo bad it was awesome! It is one of the goriest, but not in a good way. The makeup was amazingly bad.

I think my favourite line was: I kick ass for the Lord!

I think we should all be glad Peter Jackson moved out of New Zealand and moved from zombies to hobbits.

However, the lawnmower scene was priceless!

It was a late night but, filming went well last night. I was impressed by Sean's ability to put his actors at ease in such an uncomfortable situation. I was also blown away by Amanda's performance. She was able to put all of her akwardness aside and give a great performance. I hope I didn't step on Sean's toes too much during the shoot.

I had one of the best conversation about Frank Miller. It was awesome. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about graphic novels for four years.

Justin ditched class and we watched the trailor for V for Vendetta. We discussed Will Eisner and talked about the zombie film.

I've got the script in my head and I've taken photos for storyboards. I've convinced Drew to shave his head. All I have to do is talk to the police and talk to the mayor. I'm not really want to discuss too much of the script with anyone other than Drew, Justin and Tory. But I'm totally stoked.

Talked to Terry for awhile today. He seems to be doing better. I hope our chat the other night helped. I think its funny that I showed up to calm him down and I'm the one that ended up in tears.

Goodnight sweet world.

Went to the doctor this morning. It is official - I blew out my knee. But the good thing is that I can wait to do surgery if I can handle the pain.

I'll probably wait until next August.

Sitting at a table elevated above the dance floor, I watched drunken middle-aged women shake their asses hoping to attract the tender young men trolling. Transvestites crowded in a corner fawning over the newest set of nails. Several kids played with glow sticks the bar was giving away with the purchase of a test tube shot. I kept my eye on the DJ wondering if he recognized me from high school dances where we’d been the only ones aspiring to rave.

“Can I get you a drink?” Drew shouted.

“I don’t drink and dance. Dehydration,” I said.

He went in search of liquids to boost his boogie abilities. Quinn stood behind two turntables manipulating record to fade into one another, alternating between techno favorites and flavors of the early eighties. He bounced to the rhythm, headphones gyrating in time. His waifish frame dancing in a skin tight tee, oversized jeans held up by a studded belt, face painted with stars and glitter.

A familiar song and a nod from Quinn and I found Drew, pulling him onto the dance floor by his tie. I’d been at clubs around the world dancing by myself, content to let men watch from the sidelines. Tonight, however, called for a partner.

We didn’t stop jumping until the lights came on for last call. Drew didn’t need liquor to loosen inhibitions. I’d rarely met a man – or anyone for that matter – that could keep up.

Filming went really well. All nightmares averted.

Had a weird dream last night about someone in my life I've never given much thought to. I'm kinda weirded about that.

I'm tired. Filming always takes it toll.

Another day I have to read 20 papers for workshops. Okay, I exaggerate. It was only seven. It felt like more.

I spend so much of my time reading other people's stuff I have little time to write my own. I know that I learn to write better by reading but I'm not learning much by reading some of this shit. (Ben)

Gabe - this doesn't apply to you. I don't think I've ever been mean about your writing. I think with guidance and more experience your writing will blossom.

I need to take a week off from everything and concentrate on Feel no Rain, but that's not going to happen. I've committed to too many things and I'm unwilling to back out of any of them especially the film projects. I keep thinking about auditioning for True West but I think Tory and Justin will kill me. I guess it is time to re-evaluate what's important. I don't have the energy or the time for everything I want to do. Nor the health.

Do I really need to do a zombie film?

Do I really need to do another play?

What is going to look best on a Grad school application?

Why do I keep pursuing something I know I can't have? He doesn't want you. Why can't you let go, you stupid bitch?

What are you going to do about Liam? What does he want? Why is he so demanding?

Chicago? New York? Denver? Iowa? Where will you be in a year?

Too many questions, too many doubts, too many pain killers, not enough caffeine. All I want to do is go to sleep.

Had a brainstorming session with Torrance tonight about the zombie film.

Goals:
1. Told from zombie's perspective
2. Little to no gore
3. Beauty and the Beast love story

I had an idea about using Maggie from Fractured and Faded as the main character in the zombie film. Using her understanding of Quantum Physics to explain how she can see the zombies. Furthermore, the zombies are souls that are so disturbed that they cannot leave their bodies.

What do you think?

I think I can explain it with a few visuals, but Tory disagrees. He says that I take 20 pages to explain Quantum Physics, it would be too hard to do it in a page.

I almost want to write it just to prove I can do it.

Watched Batman Begins today. It was a good movie but I'm still in love with Frank Miller's Batman. I don't see Hollywood changing that fact. The Dark Knight series was Sean's favourite, it's what inspired him to go into graphic art.

Got a lot done today as far as the upcoming films go. I really need to sit down with another writer/filmmaker to talk about the Zombie flick - just to bounce ideas off. I want to get started on it now. Frankly, I'd like to have preproduction done before next semester.

I'm getting everything done but I feel like shit. Like my insides are trying to cut their way out. I'm sure I look horrible too. All day I've just wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. But I can't allow that to happen. Sean would kick my ass - I learned better.

Life is waiting for me to eat it and I'm fucking hungry!

I got my dress today for my costume this weekend. Wahoo! I hope it looks good. I'm not sure what's going on yet though. I got invited to a vampire party but I don't have a ride. Wait... maybe that's my movie. Girl on way to a theme party but can't get there. Trying to hitch a ride. She encounters a zombie, but she just thinks it is someone dressed in costume. Oh wait, now I do want to puke because that is so contrived. YARK!

I'm feeling better now. Had dinner with my little sister and Drew. We watched Batman Begins - yes, I watched it again. I realized why I don't like it. The story telling techniques are bad. The backstory beats you over the head repeatedly as if the audience doesn't have some sort of reference or we are completely stupid. I liked the visuals but the dialogue was terrible. I also think the structure could have been a little more interesting.

I just want to go to bed and sleep until this pain goes away. I know my friends are worried, but don't be. I'm fine and I'm fabulous. It is only pain, not cancer. It is only physical, not emotional.

Goodnight sweet world, I will sleep well knowing you'll embrace me tomorrow.

I love hospitals especailly when I'm hung over.

Yesterday I had a biopsy to remove part of my cervix. Everything went great. I wasn't in any pain and didn't need to take any pain killers.

Today it was a different story. I'd been tolerating the pain until 3 when I thought I was going to die. I walked to GVH.

Turns out I now have so much scar tissue I'm not functioning properly.

I can't even describe the pain. I'll probably have to have surgery.

I don't want to fall asleep, I feel too alive. I want to lay out under the stars or compose a thousand poems.

I think today's realization and Amadeus awoke something - like I've been asleep for the past ten years. I've lived in such fear and most people would never realize how frightened I've been.

I'm no longer scared of being attached to someone. I still have a capacity to love. Not just love my friends but to open up to a man - allow him to touch me emotionally and physically. To be hurt by him and know that I can heal.

My heart is whole again; therefore, I don't need to run from attachment. I don't need to run from me. The scars are merely blemishes. I can look into my eyes in the mirror and not see ghosts.

I know what I want. I've pursued it in all the ways I know. It is time for a new plan. I'm still compelled.

I want to hold on to this feeling.

Goodnight dear sweet beautiful world. I can't help weeping at the sight of you.

Goodnight desire. I'll see you in the morning.

I got the call between Graphic Design and Pathfinder. I am cancer free! I have another biopsy on Friday morning, but I am done with chemo! Wahoo!

I was so happy, I had to have a cigarette. Kidding!

Today was a very good day! No tragic corset accidents. No evil lesbians (I did see one at Subway). A little fun recollection of playing a french maid in high school. Rewrote Corwin's script. Finished a large section of my Capstone thesis. I couldn't find a very mean file on my computer. I got to show Edit to a new friend. Two people said I looked like I was losing weight (not true). My little sister bought me lunch. I get to see Amadeus tomorrow. Gabe and I seem to be doing well at the friends thing. Jeff K. hasn't bitched at me for over 24 hours. All this excitement, I hope I can sleep!

Goodnight, chemotherapy. I hope I never met you again.

Goodnight, Gabe. Here's to finally making it as friends.

Goodnight, Little Sister. I heart you, you complete me. I hope you weren't eatten by a corset this evening.

Goodnight, sweet world. I shall see you in the morning.

The classroom was cold. The calculus class was quiet.

Suddenly, my chest tightened like I was locked in one of my grandpa’s crushing bear hugs. Yet, this embrace was not warm. I could barely breathe. I stood to go to the nurse’s office.

“Excuse me, is Patricia Bowman in your classroom?” a mechanical voice asked over the intercom.

Mr. McCoy glanced at me and answered, “Yes.”

“Please send her to the office.”

I continued out of the classroom and headed for the main office. I stopped in the restroom to catch my breath but the pressure on my chest was unrelenting. I rummaged deep into my knapsack for my inhaler without avail. I splashed my face with cold water and proceeded to a soda machine knowing caffeine opens the lungs.

When I got to the office window I waited behind a crying freshman trying to talk her way out of detention. She finally left, face buried in her hands.

“I think you have a message for me,” I said.

“Here you go.” Marilyn smiled as she handed me a folded slip of pink paper.

I turned toward the senior hallway and read the paper. Printed on the while-you-were-out slip was: “October 17, 1995. 10:54 am. Sean died this morning. Loretta Bowman.”

I hate waking up to mornings like this. Omnious, gray and brooding set the tone no matter what method I used to scour it from my skin and my soul. Today would be another one of those days – too many classes, too many meetings, too much rain.

After reading several horrible manuscripts tonight, I've decided to become the Boondock Saint of the English Department. Call me Maggie MacManus.

I stalk the hallways awaiting the bad writers who offend my creative sensitivies. My first hit - Steve Utech.

"Steve, did you use adverbs and end sentences with prepositions?"

"Yeah, but..."

Maggie's muzzle flashes. "And when I vest my flashing pen and my hand takes hold in judgement I will take vengence upon mine enemies. And I will repay those who hase me. O Lord, raise me to Thy right hand and count me amoung Thy writers."

"Ben, did you fail to put your play in proper format and repeat the word modification four times in two sentences?"

"Yeah."

9mm bullets drip like sweet rain. "Whosoever shed last blood. By man shall his ink be shed. For immunity of God, make he the man. Destroy all that which is evil and poorly written, so that which is good may flourish. And I shall count thee amoung my favoured sheep. And you shall have the protection of all the angels in heaven."

The faculty will come to my aid. Mark will bring the rope. "Charlie Bronson's always got rope."

I'll bring gifts to Bill King. "I got to buy you a proverb book or something, because this mix 'n' match shit's got to go."

Luke will be there. "There's so much shit that pisses me off! You should recruit, because I'm sick and fucking tired of walking down the street, waiting for one of these crack-piping, ass-wiping, motherless lowlifes to get me!"

And Lilly. "The 90's are killing me. I shouldn't have done that. You're not supposed to tell a guy you're gonna kill him no more. I got to tiptoe through the tulips with these assholes. Taking all the fun out of the job. "

Corwin will chime in with a well placed punch line. "We're sorta like 7-Eleven. We're not always doing business, but we're always open. "

I will stand atop Taylor and proclaim: "Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your misspellings and grammatical errors that will be sought by us. With every breath, we shall hunt them down. Each day we will spill their ink, 'til it rains black from the skies."

And the writer's will say, "And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand... that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth unto Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be, In Nomine Patris, Et Fili, Et Spiritus Sancti."

I'm feeling better. I've pushed last night's odd dream to the back of my brain and I've had long discussions about what it means to be a victim (a unwilling or unwitting participant in physical or emotional trama or violence). It was not my fault. I was the prey not the predator. I've never before witnessed such keen manipulation. And that's saying ALOT!

I think my dream last night was just a way to feel normal again - a realignment of goals and desires. It was not a direct manifestation of desire, just a mere suggestion of my need to connect with someone not necessarily with him.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I feel like a recovering alcoholic whose mantra is one day at a time. But it really is just one day at a time. Today was tough but I'm stronger than I was this morning when I woke up scared.

Goodnight sweet world. Sleep well and I look forward to what you have to offer in the morning.

I keep finding myself in these completely f-ed up situations.

I know that I allow it to happen but at the same time I feel I've been manipulated. Because of my passivity I feel self-destructive - not suicidal just prone to very bad decisions: drinking, violence, sex, drugs.

I haven't committed any sins against myself but I'm scared. I just hope I can find shelter from this storm.

Tuesday they are doing a staged reading of Catharsis. Not only was it the first time I've written about my step-father and Joey, but I will see them both manifested on stage. I wish someone could be there with me to help me hold it together. But I want to be stronger and face it head on. It has been almost 16 years since that night, the ghosts shouldn't be that frightening.

The June 2005 updates to the Oxford English Dictionary include new entries for the terms zombied, zombification, zombified, and zombify. The OED cites examples from such publications as Fangoria: "The aftermath of a meteorite shower zombifies most of the community."

1. Zombies are ravenous and infectious, yet slightly slow and easy to kill. People can therefore unleash their inner mass murderer for the good of humanity.

2. Zombies are one of the few movies monster archetypes that appear (mostly) in hordes. Hordes are ALWAYS cool.

3. Zombies can only feast on live flesh/brains. I salute discriminating taste.

4. The "zombie clinging to last vestige of humanity" gag, i.e. using a fork to eat brains, trying to drive a car, etc. never, ever gets old.

5. Zombies slouch, and that makes me fell slightly more at ease than that broom-up-the-ass Michael Myers.

6. Animal zombies.

7. As an actor, I can honestly say I would like to play a zombie in every role I will ever play. S' ridiculously fun, plus FX makeup is rad/tubular.

8. Even the most out-of-shape person can outrun them, for a while.

9. A reasonably smart, resourceful person can find ways to live among them, due to their slow speed and lack of higher reasoning skills. Which is cool and impresses people, a la-
"So , where do you live?"
"Raccoon City."
"Oh my God! Isn't that dangerous?"
"Nah."
(swoons)

Drawbacks:
Again, zombies are easy to kill- this is why it would suck to be one. Zombies also, if sufficiently numerous, soon present a paucity of ways to kill them. Shooting, stabbing, bludgeoning, exploding, and burning are all fine, but soon you run out of places to go.

Tonight Jeff made a HUGE deal about the fact that I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. He made me take my rings off and then he stood up and put my wedding ring on my left hand. The last person to put a ring on my finger was Sean.

Furthermore, he went on and on about how awesome Sean is because he married me and how I'm still married because I never divorced.

I don't know how to handle all of these conflicting emotions. Yes, I'm still attracted to Jeff but I don't want anything more than a friendship. Putting a ring on my finger was more than I could bare especially considering what Will is dealing with.

I have to remember that I am only human and I can only bare so much of other people's pain. I cannot heal him. Jeff cannot heal me.Damn it, I need to go to bed.

Goodnight sweet world, goodnight fair Liam.

Did you know that high school alumni associations hire companies to look for gradutes?

In the last month, I've had two people contact me from my high school. Today, I got a postcard regarding an alumni directory. I called the number to find out how they find me. It turns out they research public records - electric bills, credit cards, phone bills, etc. I have none of these things.

The lady asked me a bunch of questions - spouse, address, kids, email, phone number. Is it bad that I lied? I don't need somebody making me feel bad because I'm not married and I don't want kids right now.

Edit was accepted for the Colorado Filmmakers Showcase at the Starz FilmCenter in Denver.

Spark has been pushed back to spring semester due to financial difficulty.

I've convinced Tory to do the Zombie film - except our roles are going to be reversed. He is going to produce and be director of cinematography. I'll direct! I'm really stoked. I haven't directed since high school. But I guess it is my script and idea. Furthermore, I am aware of the restrictions of producing such a film.