Lost Journals

Beware! I have Seinfeld syndrome. I should warn you now: DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT date me unless your ego and self-image are rock solid. I will find your tiniest fault, exploit it and exaggerate it. I’ll chew on your imperfections until there is no flavor left. I will spit you out and ask for my desert.

• Kleenex are not snot rags.
• Toilet paper is not butt-wipe.
• The George Castanza wallet has got to go. No one carries a 3 inch think wallet. All that needs to in there is your ID, bank card, credit card and cash. There is no room for Sub Club Cards, pictures of your dog, or that dog you dated in high school. That fortune you got three years ago with your Moo Sho Pork has either come true or it never will. Throw them away.
• Table manners are not just for old ladies. STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE if you must blow your nose. Plates and bowls should remain on the table at all times. And close your fucking mouth when you chew – the only thing you should be smacking is my ass.
• Know how to tip!
• Brown shoes, brown belt. Black shoes, black belt.
• Make a decision. Don’t know what movie you want to see – stay home. I’ll take someone else. Can’t make up your mind? Don’t expect me to do it for you.
• Do not insult me with cheap liquor or shitty American beer. For God’s sake, I’m bloody Irish, I love alcohol. Furthermore, if you order for me, I don’t want a 30 minute diatribe about how much you hate vodka.
• If you comment on the impracticality of my shoes, I will shove them up your ass. I love shoes. I have a lot of them. I figure it’s a better vice than cocaine.
• Don’t assume I know nothing about cars. I know where the power steering fluid goes.
• As far as sports are concerned, unless it’s the Cubbies or Red Sox, I couldn’t give shit.
• I don’t care about that perfect girlfriend that broke your heart in high school. Fuck her. I’m the one that has to deal with all the insecurities that bitch left you with.
• Yes, I have an irrational fear of moths. No, I can’t explain it. That’s why it’s called an irrational fear.
• Do not comment on my driving. I’ve thrown people out of my car for less and I’ll do it again.
• What happens in my bed stays in my bed. I resent leering looks from your friends. I don’t need to think about the sins of last night on my way to class.
• When a woman screams “fuck me,” pound her harder. She asked for it.
• Learn to take a compliment. If a woman says you’re amazing, GLOW. This is the best compliment your likely to get. Be proud.
• Fuck you commitment phobia. Did I ask for a title? Did I ask for 3 little words? Did I ask for a ring?