Lost Journals

This week has sucked. First, I got way too much information about Jeff. I have a hard time looking him in the eyes now no matter how many nice things he says. Next, I found myself missing someone I shouldn't. Then, William's sad news.

I'm glad it is raining today. It feels like a rainy day. I should stay home and work on my thesis - in other words, I should watch Angels in America. I want to cut and colour my hair. Maybe that's what I'll do. Snip snip

I must refuse depression. I'm stronger than letting this small series of events get me down.

I don't want to hope William still thinks about me. I don't want to be his comfort. I was his comfort when Jackie dumped him and that got me a two year relationship. It's his loss, it's time for him to grieve. I just hope he doesn't take the route I did.

I want him to be stronger, braver. I'm sure he can do it. He was always brave. He dated me, he had to be brave and daring. Liam - I promise one day it'll all make sence. Remember it all - don't push her memory away - don't blame yourself - embrace your grief - cry - scream - be angry - scream. Just don't abandon your friends or family - don't run away - don't date until you are ready and only you know when you are ready.

I'm still not sure I'm ready. I keep fucking things up. Too distant, too clingy, too cold, too emotional, too sexual, too prudish. Damn it! I'm so tired of thinking about the things I've done wrong and if I think too much about Sean I'll never heal.

It's the same old whiny bullshit. Poor me, Maggie can't get a date, Maggie goes for the wrong guy, Maggie gets hurt from the smallest comment. Maggie can't accept that her friends love her. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Fuck Maggie! Maggie sucks!

I need to go back to bed.