Lost Journals

I don't want to fall asleep, I feel too alive. I want to lay out under the stars or compose a thousand poems.

I think today's realization and Amadeus awoke something - like I've been asleep for the past ten years. I've lived in such fear and most people would never realize how frightened I've been.

I'm no longer scared of being attached to someone. I still have a capacity to love. Not just love my friends but to open up to a man - allow him to touch me emotionally and physically. To be hurt by him and know that I can heal.

My heart is whole again; therefore, I don't need to run from attachment. I don't need to run from me. The scars are merely blemishes. I can look into my eyes in the mirror and not see ghosts.

I know what I want. I've pursued it in all the ways I know. It is time for a new plan. I'm still compelled.

I want to hold on to this feeling.

Goodnight dear sweet beautiful world. I can't help weeping at the sight of you.

Goodnight desire. I'll see you in the morning.